Saturday morning at 6 a.m. our car was stolen. It was running in our driveway as my husband was loading it, getting ready to hit the road with our oldest to go on several college campus visits in Kansas. He ran inside for the last few things and came out to an empty driveway.
I kid you not.
It's so crazy it's almost funny.
Except it's not.
His computer was in there. To say his life is on that computer would not be much of an exaggeration. As a teacher and a pastor, that computer holds years of lesson plans, teaching material, sermons, etc.
His suitcase was also in the car. My husband is pretty low maintenance, so due to the fact that he would be going to church and attending two campus visits, he packed his "best" shirts. All of them.
And then we found out that because we only have liability on the car, it's not covered by insurance.
Really!??!? I can honestly tell you that the purchase of a vehicle was not in our future plans or budget. I haven't even asked about whether the computer is covered by home owner's insurance. I'm guessing because it was in the car and not in our home it's not. Ugh!
Have I mentioned before that God has been really working on my heart in the area of trust? Well, He has, and He is.
So, of course I'm thinking, here is my test. I'm ready to prove myself. I'm ready to walk this road well. I'm ready to trust in spite of my circumstances, and I start to pray.
I started out praying that the Father would be in the situation at hand. Then I prayed that He would allow the car to be found and returned. Then I prayed that whatever happened would bring glory to Him. Finally, I just prayed that His will would be done.
Is there a right or wrong way to pray when you're trying to trust?
I found myself in a wrestling match as I tried my hardest to determine what I was trusting God for. I assumed once I had this settled, I would experience peace. So I began running through the options in my mind.
Trusting Him to restore all that was lost felt like I was putting Him in a box, but I did trust that he could restore these things if He chose.
Trusting Him to be over the entire situation and use it to bring glory to Him felt like the noble thing to do, but it sure didn't eliminate the feelings I was experiencing as I began to process what this loss would mean for us.
Trusting that the Father's will would be done felt like the right thing to do, however it left me wondering why I couldn't get myself to a peaceful place in all this. I mean if I really trusted the Father's will, shouldn't I be at peace?
Sheesh, I'm fairly certain I lost the wrestling match simply out of sheer exhaustion.
So 32 hours later, I just sat.
I sat on my couch in front of the window and soaked in the sun. For the first time since Saturday morning I just stopped and waited. I was reminded of the passage in Lamentations that says,
"I say to myself, The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
As I waited, as I soaked in His warmth, I was filled with peace. And it was here that I recognized my mistake...or should I say mistakes?
First, I made the assumption that if I trusted God in something, I'd no longer have to wrestle with hard feelings. Second, I was convinced that I needed to figure out what it was I was trusting God for. Again, once this was determined, I would be able to let go of all the emotions that came along with a situation that was hard to understand.
I realized this was not the case. I also realized this had become an issue of control. I wanted to prove myself, remember? I wanted to pass the test that was before me. Ultimately, I wanted to control the situation in some way that would guarantee these uncomfortable feelings would be alleviated.
Right there I made the biggest mistake of all.
I assumed I could do this on my own. I also assumed that if I did it right, I could avoid the messiness of hard feelings. If I could just figure out what the "right" way was, I could control the outcome of my emotions. And so it's here that you can safely assume I am a huge work in progress (and a long ways off from mastering this call to trust).
Lucky for me, the One that I am learning to trust (if ever so slowly), is patient and gracious. I experienced His peace before I had any of my ducks in a row. I experienced His peace before I had proven myself, before I had passed the test. I experienced His peace as a gift, not something to be earned, not something given as a result of worthiness, but as a gift.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, the amazing thing about my Father is that He knows me and He knows my heart. I believe in this situation He knows my desire to trust Him. He also knows my issues with control. He sees my heart and the way it longs to run hard after Him and He is fully aware of how quickly I can get off track. I'm guessing by now He just sits back and chuckles to himself as He watches me flounder through trying to control things, simply waiting for me to return to Him once I've worn myself out.
Finding myself in that worn out place, I did return to Him. Here, He reminded me that it's only through His Spirit that I'm even able to trust Him, and that peace is not a commodity paid out to those who earn it. It's something that comes as a result of pressing into the One who promises us life, even in the midst of trouble. It comes from relationship, through time and conversation, through vulnerability and yucky feelings.
Today I'm trusting my Father with the help of His Spirit. I don't know what it is I'm trusting Him for exactly. I'm trusting that He is in control and that He will see us through. There are moments I feel peace and I'll be honest in saying there are moments when my stomach flips and I find myself panicking, wondering how this is all going to work out. In those freaking out moments, I'm forced to run back to the Father. I'm forced to remember who He is. I'm reminded that I cannot do this on my own.
What I wanted to be a once and done decision, has become a moment by moment choice, the choice to engage in the relationship.
Having to walk this road has taught me so much already. I don't know that I'm completely thankful for this opportunity, but I am thankful for what I've learned.
One day we may even look back on this and laugh. Ok, maybe not. But I do believe we will look back and be reminded of God's love for us and His desire to be in deep relationship with us.
To My Girls -- What a crazy weekend, eh? How many times have we looked at each other over the last couple of days and just shook our heads? Right now I don't know how this part of our story ends. My hope is that as we do our best to walk this road, you'll recognize in Dad and I a desire to trust, a longing to be in deep relationship with Jesus, and the understanding that we are broken people saved by grace. My prayer is that you have and will continue to experience God working in you as you live your own stories. As you wrestle through the hard, never forget the value of pressing into the One who created you. Go there first, go there before you have it figured out, go there with your questions, your feelings, your unknowns. I promise He'll be there, always.
Finding myself in that worn out place, I did return to Him. Here, He reminded me that it's only through His Spirit that I'm even able to trust Him, and that peace is not a commodity paid out to those who earn it. It's something that comes as a result of pressing into the One who promises us life, even in the midst of trouble. It comes from relationship, through time and conversation, through vulnerability and yucky feelings.
Today I'm trusting my Father with the help of His Spirit. I don't know what it is I'm trusting Him for exactly. I'm trusting that He is in control and that He will see us through. There are moments I feel peace and I'll be honest in saying there are moments when my stomach flips and I find myself panicking, wondering how this is all going to work out. In those freaking out moments, I'm forced to run back to the Father. I'm forced to remember who He is. I'm reminded that I cannot do this on my own.
What I wanted to be a once and done decision, has become a moment by moment choice, the choice to engage in the relationship.
Having to walk this road has taught me so much already. I don't know that I'm completely thankful for this opportunity, but I am thankful for what I've learned.
One day we may even look back on this and laugh. Ok, maybe not. But I do believe we will look back and be reminded of God's love for us and His desire to be in deep relationship with us.
To My Girls -- What a crazy weekend, eh? How many times have we looked at each other over the last couple of days and just shook our heads? Right now I don't know how this part of our story ends. My hope is that as we do our best to walk this road, you'll recognize in Dad and I a desire to trust, a longing to be in deep relationship with Jesus, and the understanding that we are broken people saved by grace. My prayer is that you have and will continue to experience God working in you as you live your own stories. As you wrestle through the hard, never forget the value of pressing into the One who created you. Go there first, go there before you have it figured out, go there with your questions, your feelings, your unknowns. I promise He'll be there, always.
