The tears being spilled came from a deep love for the sweet friendships Tyah has developed over the last two and a half years. The thought of moving into a different season of life that promises to separate these kiddos is painful and sad. But you know, I'd want it no other way.
The pain and sadness is reminding me of gifts the Father has so perfectly given to our oldest and in doing so, given to me.
Two and a half years ago, I was face down on my living room floor ranting to God. I was accusing Him of asking Vaughn and I to follow Him into a situation that was going to lead our oldest daughter astray. I'm fairly certain I used phrases like, "Throwing my child to the wolves", and "Is this really how we get repaid for obedience?".
It was far from one of my finer moments.
Just the fact that I was not struck down by lightning for what was coming out of my mouth is testimony to the gentle, loving, slow to anger character of God. It felt like a dark season and I could not see how it was going to play out.
Two weeks ago, I was on the phone with a friend as I heard myself referring to that hard season as a foundational time in our lives, for both Tyah and myself. I was able to look back and see all the ways God was at work on a master plan that was way beyond what I had constructed in my mind. And through it all, He landed Tyah smack dab in the middle of a group of friends who love Jesus and have become like family to our daughter.
I saw Tyah's tears as a thank offering being poured out over her pillow as we talked about the sweet, sweet way her heavenly Father has loved her. And at that moment it was easy for me to speak of Jesus being good, and faithful, and sovereign.
I am finding that looking back and remembering who God is, is so much easier than being mindful of it in the present. When enough time and space has passed to allow for the pain and the doubt to subside, when the questions have fallen away and closure has maybe been provided, or when just enough of that part of our story has been revealed, that we have more of a sense of how God is moving, then we're finally able to take a breath and really say, "God you are good, and faithful and sovereign."
Three months ago, it felt like our family got thrown into the deep end of the ocean. Notice I didn't say the deep end of the pool. I'm a pretty good swimmer and if it felt like I was thrown into the deep end of the pool that would indicate that I had a flippin chance of finding my way to the side for air.
But no.
It felt like we were in the middle of the ocean with one huge wave after another crashing over us. Just about the time we felt like our heads were above water enough to take a huge gulp of air, we got pummeled by another wave, leaving us sputtering, choking and floundering all the harder.
I'll be honest in saying that I spent a decent amount of time during the first phase of this little "swim test" pretty convinced that my skills and abilities would be enough to get me to some kind of "land". However, time would prove otherwise and I began to feel like I was sinking.
In that state, I heard the Father ask, "Who do you say that I am?"
I ignored the question for as long as I could, but finally recognized that sinking is synonymous with drowning and therefore I finally engaged the question in hopes of being rescued.
It's crazy how quickly we can answer a question like this one without hardly giving it a second thought. Lord, I know who you are...you are good and faithful. You are sovereign and loving. You are my Father and my Savior.
And now that I've answered that question, can we take care of the fact that I'm drowning here?
The answer I heard in response was, "Rest in this."
Oh dear Jesus, could it be so simple? Lord knows I was beyond tired of the struggle and any thought of rest triggered a measure of hope that I dared not believe. Was it possible to actually rest in the truth of who God is, before knowing how everything was going to play out? Could I actually find peace and hope in the middle of the chaos, and not just at the point of resolution?
Finally, what were my options? I had exhausted my skill set and had looked to anything and everything else to give me a sense of security, only to leave me wanting. It was obvious I had put more trust in myself than I had in the One who promises to always be trustworthy, and it was not serving me well.
For the last couple of weeks I have thought a lot about who I say Jesus is. I've thought about what it means to say these things, and what it means to actually walk in this truth. I can see how I love to speak of His goodness after the fact, but am challenged to trust it when I'm walking in the middle of the unknown. And yet, isn't it our actions and our choices that give evidence to what we truly believe?
Ultimately, I want my life to reflect the truth of who God is. If this is the case, then I must choose to walk in this truth no matter what season of the journey. And how ridiculously crazy is it that the truth that we are invited into actually offers us peace, and rest, and Life despite the brokenness we are experiencing. I've got nothing that can offer me anything that comes close to that, and yet I still struggle to surrender to it.
Lucky for me, aside from being good, faithful and sovereign, Jesus is also patient and so much more. I will still always love and be so thankful for the times we're given where we can look back and see the work of our Father's hand. But I'm also fairly certain He is going to continue to give me ample opportunities to practice walking in the truth of who He is, before I have any idea of where He is leading. I'm slowly learning to be ok with that.
To My Girls -- I confess that I have not always done a good job of being a good example of what it means to walk in the truth who Jesus is. I have done a pretty good job of exemplifying what it looks like to try to control things and then quickly lose my mind when I'm unable to pull it off. I'm sorry for this. I want nothing more than for you to know the hope and joy that we have access to when we choose to find rest in Jesus, despite our circumstances. At times this will sound too easy to be true and at times it will feel too hard to believe. The not knowing in life can feel so scary, but the beauty is that we are invited to trust the One who does know. Embrace the unknown with the assurance that Jesus is good, faithful and sovereign. And always remember that He is crazy about you!
