Fly Little Birdie, Fly!

18 years, 1 month and 16 days ago I gave birth to my first daughter. There are few things I have longed for more than to be a mom, and this girl made that happen. It was love at first sight. I remember her first few days at home. I was on an emotional high, so much so that I couldn't wait for her to cry at night so that I had reason to go pick her up and feed her. I was smitten.

Soon colic paid a visit to our home, and our evenings were spent walking the hallway bouncing, singing, crying, praying. As hard as those days were, my heart continued to be captured by this child. Days turned into years and with each day that passed it became evident that this girl of ours was battling. Change was hard, transitions were hard, unknowns were paralyzing, but when she was in our home we watched her grow and smile, and when she spent time with her "bestie"(her cousin of which she is 42 hours younger) she was always free to be fully herself.

As I prayed for my girl, I began to claim 2 Timothy 1:7 over her,

"For God did not give us a spirit of

fear or timidity, but of power and

love and of a sound mind."

Before we knew it, she was old enough to head off to school, and school proved to be a huge trigger. When this is the case for your child, when you work through days and months of putting on a good face in the mornings in order to coax them out the door, when you find yourself peeling them off your neck and handing them over to the teacher, leaving only in time to fall apart in your car, you become indebted to those individuals that step in and love your child well...Mr. Just who sent me pics of her at recess during the day, knowing my momma's heart was hurting. Mrs. Knoll who knew just how to be breezy enough to walk her through situations that would otherwise undo her. Mr. Moran who often stepped in and walked her through the transition between home and classroom. These teachers will always hold a special place in my heart.

The years came and went and in these years our warrior battled on. As hard as some seasons were, there were others that were so very sweet as we watched our baby grow into a beautiful young woman. I'll never forget the shock I felt the first time she walked out of the bathroom with mascara on at the age of 13. Um, where is my child and why am I staring into the face of what looks like a 17 year old!?!?

2 Timothy continued to be my prayer for this girl, and the Father was faithful to fulfill His truth in her life. During her high school years, we began to see a leader evolve. She fell in love with her youth group and within that group found a place of leadership along with a home away from home. 

The summer after her Junior year, we packed her up and sent her off to Africa, that spirit of fear and timidity finding it harder and harder to have a foothold. In Africa, our daughter's heart was captured, and truth was once again spoken over her...the truth of being a leader, of having a quiet strength and a sweet spirit.

Heading into her Senior year, this momma was starting to realize how limited our time was. We tried to soak in every minute our girl was home, every meal shared around the table, every conversation we got to have, every time she asked me to rub her back. There was no way to slow time down and Spring was here before we were ready for it.

Graduation day came and we turned it into a weekend including a baptism. We celebrated and remembered and my heart swelled and hurt at the same time. The time we had left with her was limited.

During the summer months I often thought back over all the years, all the prayers, and 2 Timothy. I began feeling as though these verses no longer fit like they had for so long. I wondered about that...

Two weeks before we were scheduled to pack up our first for college, as I sat with the Father, He ever so graciously gave me a new promise for my girl, 

"Forget the former things; do not dwell

on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! 

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness and 

streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-20)

These promises were a sweet and cherished gift. As I held them close and claimed them each day, my heart was filled with peace, hope and an anticipation of what is to come. 

Friday morning August 18, 2017, Vaughn and I walked onto Tabor College campus with our oldest daughter. As we stood in line for registration, Vaughn turned to both of us and said, "Look, there's your verse." As I looked around, I realized we were surrounded by the words of Isaiah on the shirts of all the student leaders. Do I even have to tell you how seen I felt by Jesus at that moment?!?!

We moved through the line and headed to the dorms. By then, all of our girls were in tow as I'm pretty sure each one would've literally thrown punches and kicks had we told them they could not come along to move in their sister. As we began to unpack, set up and organize the three youngest's eyes began to dance. As they caught just a glimpse of what college life might look like, they began dreaming about their own dorm room some day, to which I had to think to myself, be still oh my heart this life is already moving too fast. I can't even...

I will admit, though, that it was fun to return to the very dorms I myself had lived in not that long ago;). I have no trouble remembering what it felt like the day I moved in and experienced my first real taste of independence. How was it even possible that I was now moving my very own daughter into this place? I am not old enough for this!

 (Yes, this is me moving in my freshman year, hair in a banana clip and all. And yes, my father is wearing umbros.)

In all the hub bub of the moment, I looked up and saw my oldest sitting on the bed with her phone. It came as no surprise to me that she was perfectly happy to let the rest of us girls "set up house". The questions, "Where do you want this?" and "What do you think about this?" were enough to make her spin just a bit. Knowing herself, she simply gave us freedom to make the decisions and allowed her sisters to organize until their hearts were content.

The rest of the weekend flew by, but not fast enough to prevent me from giving in to some serious emotional eating. I may or may not have consumed two boxes of Mike and Ike's along with an entire bag of crunchy Cheetos, not to mention the breakfast for lunch buffet in the caf. (Carisa, I promise I've pulled myself together and am back on the bandwagon!) The whole process was taking its toll, though.

However, as we continued to follow the schedule given to us as freshman parents,  I felt as though my heart was being tended to by my Heavenly Father.  I learned early on in the weekend that the very verses given to me from Isaiah were the verses Tabor faculty and staff were claiming for the entire year on campus. My girl was exactly where she needed to be.

Friday evening as I sat and listened to President Glanzer speak, he asked us parents for permission on behalf of Tabor faculty and staff, to love our children into adulthood. How beautiful is that? 

Would it have been inappropriate for me to answer his question right then and there? Because in my head I was screaming, "Yes! Yes! I give you permission...please love my girl well. Please support her and encourage her. Promise me you'll be there when she struggles and celebrate with her as she grows. Tell me you'll make sure she gets enough sleep and makes good food choices in the caf, and please remind her to call her mom at least once a week. While you're loving her into adulthood, could you also make sure you screen any and all boys showing any interest in getting to know her? If you want to shoot me a weekly report on how it's going, my email is taryn.jost@gmail.com. 

Of course I didn't say this out loud, instead I made a mental note to simply email the President once I got home. Ok, not really, but maybe...however, by the time the weekend was over I had convinced myself to abort the idea. And yes, for all of those reading this, I do recognize that the President was referring to this exact issue. It was time to step out of the picture just a bit, time to tag out, time to allow another part of the village to play their role in raising our daughter.

President Glanzer went on to recognize the role we had played in giving our child roots, and asked if we would be willing to give them the honor to now give our child wings, and I honestly would've rolled my eyes at how cliche' that sounded, but I was too busy blinking back tears. 

This was really happening.

Too soon it was time to say goodbye. We took a final family selfie while we were all still smiling and before the flood of emotions hit. Vaughn and I then spent some time alone with our girl, praying with her, speaking truth over her and really just clinging to the last minutes of having her beside us. 

Nothing prepares you for that moment of letting go.

But it was time.

Vaughn rescued the three of us by commenting on how you know you're daughter is ready for college when both parents are sitting on either side of her crying and she is looking back and forth between the two of them with a grin on her face and a look in her eye that says, "Do I really need to be here for this? I'm happy to leave you two here alone to work through these emotions." Because that's exactly how it went down.

Immediately we were rolling.

With that, I turned to Tyah Ryan, my firstborn, to the one who made me a mother, to my warrior daughter, our girl of quiet strength and said through tears and laughter, "Fly little birdie, fly!"

To My Girls -- What a new season we are in, eh? Tyah, you are blazing a new trail as the first to leave the nest. We are so very proud of you! We are praying for you, we love you and as always we are for you!;) Kyan, this transition has been hard for you, I know. But, the pain and sadness is a reminder of what a sweet friendship you have with your older sister. I have no doubt your relationship will continue to grow and deepen even across state lines! Aisha and Aleah, your enthusiasm, ability to make us laugh and your tears created such a sweet spirit throughout our weekend. I'm beyond thankful for each one of you. There is no one else Daddy and I would rather do this life with! Please don't forget that when we're the ones getting "older" and considerations are being made to move us "out". We would be more than happy to simply rotate between the four of you! Just kidding...kind of...

Lessons Learned On The Roof

This summer Vaughn and I decided to re-shingle our house. Who knew Vaughn's years of construction work during college and our first years of marriage would come in so handy?

The project took us a week. A week of 15 hour days. A week of sweat stained tank tops, sore muscles and lots of praying for no rain. During that week, I not only learned how much work it is to shingle a house, but I also learned a number of other things. It seemed only appropriate to document these lessons in a post that my girls will return to at another time.

Lesson #1 -- There is something special about working hard together as a family
This project was a family affair. The girls not only put in hours on the roof with us, but they were also put in charge of keeping all things running inside the house (i.e. making meals, cleaning and doing laundry). By the time the week was over, I can honestly say every family member felt a deep sense of accomplishment. There is a bonding that takes place when you take on a big project together. I want to do a better job of finding more of these opportunities in the future.

Lesson #2 -- When you're on the roof, you can't micromanage your children
Two days into this project I realized that I could not manage the inside workings of the house along with helping Vaughn on the roof. In a split second decision, I put Kyan in charge of menu planning and cooking. I assigned Aisha to some baking and told Tyah I would need her to be my driver. I also put all four girls in charge of cleaning.

Tyah took Kyan to the grocery store to do the shopping for the menu Kyan put together. Aisha dove into making no-bake cookies. And I slipped into the blissful state of putting my head in the sand as far as all things household went. During this time, teriyaki marinade boiled over, no bakes were made with Old Fashioned Oats instead of Quick Oats, and one child was inspired to learn how to do laundry. My house was also cleaned.

Long story short, my girls learned a number of things that they might've never learned had I been hovering over them making sure they did it right. Aisha will probably always remember to use Quick Oats from now on (not that it stopped us from eating the cookies she made). Kyan realized how much work it is to make dinner every night. She has a new appreciation for those that make dinner and new realization that she doesn't love cooking. I learned that what I don't know won't kill me, and simply walking into a clean house is amazing! I don't have to know how it happened, with what cleaning products, or whether or not it was done exactly the way I would do it. Considering some of the control issues I have, I'm wondering if I should just excuse myself to the roof more often...would that be weird?

Lesson #3 -- Experiencing community never ceases to bless me
This is probably my favorite lesson of all.

Vaughn and I are huge believers in setting up our lives to live in community with other people. This happens in various ways and on different levels for us, but it runs deeply in our souls. Our hope and desire is to love people well, to see those living around us and to connect with them in whatever way we can. It's an act of obedience to the Way in which we're called to live, but it also rings true with living true life and life to the full. We experienced nothing less during our week on the roof.

I'm not gonna lie when I say that about 24 hours into the project I started praying. I started asking God to send someone to help us. I didn't tell Vaughn that I was praying this, but it was evident that as we started tearing off the asphalt shingles (which were the second layer of shingles under the shakes that were on top) Vaughn was carrying the majority of the burden. As hard as I worked and as strong as I wanted to be, fighting not only nails but also staples made my progress pretty slow.

Right about the time we started looking at each other with a bit of an overwhelmed feeling, Pete walked across the street asking if he could help. Pete is a 60 year old man who lives by himself. I believe he lost his wife a number of years ago, before we moved into the neighborhood. Pete keeps to himself for the most part, but Vaughn has always made a point to say hi or strike up a conversation with him when given the opportunity. I don't know that much about Pete, but I can tell you this. The man is a machine! As he joined us on the roof and began tearing through shingles like a bulldozer, I began to laugh to myself. Why was I so surprised? I had prayed for this, but quickly realized I didn't believe it would actually happen. Pete was a Godsend that day, literally. He gave us the boost we needed to keep going (and it's a good thing because we had just gotten started!). But the surprises didn't end with Pete.

By the evening of day 4 we had the roof cleared. I don't even want to talk about the hours put in pulling nails and staples. Who knew I could feel such emotion towards a clear, clean roof? It was now time to roll out the ice guard and tar paper, and it was important for us to get this done before the day was over. Just as we began the process, Mike and Bobbi popped up over the roof's edge.

Mike and Bobbi are our neighbors. Our relationship began before we even officially moved into the neighborhood as they struck up an initial conversation with Vaughn the first time he was over checking out our house. If there is such a thing as a love connection between neighbors, then you could say it was love at first sight. Mike and Bobbi quickly became dear friends as our families did life together in various ways throughout the years. We love Mike and Bobbi and they have loved us in so many ways. That evening, as the four of us rolled out tar paper, we visited and laughed and maybe had a few choice words for the one roll of ice guard we had to wrestle. We ended the day working by the light of our cell phone flashlights, finishing to the sound of thunder. We went to bed that night with full hearts, recognizing that we never would've been able to accomplish what we did that evening without our neighbors.

Community is a powerful thing. It connects people and gives the opportunity to serve and be served. It deepens relationships and opens our eyes to things we might not ever know. But it takes courage and vulnerability. I'm so thankful Pete had the boldness to come right over and dive into this project with us. I think it probably took some courage to approach us and ask if we wanted help. And when Mike and Bobbi showed up that evening, I'll admit that for a split second I felt bad that they felt the need to help us. There's a certain amount of vulnerability required to welcome others into our "projects". I will forever have fond memories of that evening we shared together, as it will always serve as an important reminder to me of not only the value of serving, but the value of being willing to be served as well! I'm beyond thankful my friends were willing to help me with this lesson.

Lesson #4 --  I love working with my man
I actually knew this before we got started, but the roof was just another reminder. I am blessed to be married to my best friend. Vaughn and I are essentially complete opposites. I'm an extrovert, he's an introvert. I'm a verbal processor, he's an internal processor. I'm quick to speak, at high volumes, with large arm gestures, and he is slow to speak, never dominating a conversation and always careful with his words. Despite our differences, though, there is no one else I'd rather be with.

I've learned a lot working alongside Vaughn. He's a hard worker and he likes to do things right. He doesn't cut corners and he takes his time. Most of all, he sees things through to the end.

The main thing I bring to the table with projects like this, is a strong competitive spirit and some serious positivity. My competitiveness kicks in and I find myself wanting to prove that I can work just as hard as any other guy. I'm fairly certain that when it came to the physical demands of this task, a guy could've been a smidge more helpful than I was, but I was determined to do everything I could to keep it to just a smidge. Lol! As far as the positivity goes, well let's just say that I would cheerlead my man through hell or high waters. Sometimes this is super helpful and other times I'm guessing it is simply the graciousness of my husband that nothing is said in return. I just can't help it, and he knows that, and luckily he loves that about me.

Our week on the roof was treasured time for me. I'm thankful to be doing life with someone who loves doing life together...despite the arm gestures.

To My Girls --We did it! You guys rocked at rising to the occasion and diving in as needed. Tyah, thanks for doing double duty as you worked with us and went to your real job everyday. Kyan, the meals were amazing and such a gift at the end of each day. Aisha, you have rightly earned the title "Laundry Queen" and I'm forever grateful! Aleah, as the youngest you pulled your weight inside the house and on the roof, and I'm so proud of you! I'm so thankful to get to do this life with you girls. My hope is that despite all the crazy of our family, you will always remember the value of working hard, working together and loving well. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we miss the mark. Thankfully each morning is the promise of a new day and another chance.

Getting A Taste Of Africa

Often at the beginning of a new year, we reflect on the past year and remember the good, the hard, the unknowns at the time, all that we learned, all that we felt, all that we experienced.  I love remembering, even when it's remembering difficult things. It's a practice that reminds me of all the ways my Father is at work, seen and unseen.

This past year felt a bit like a doozy for our family. There was a lot of hard, and challenging. There was a lot of unknown and seeking. There was a lot of emotion and learning. In all of that, though, there was also a lot of good. Sweet times spent as a family. Laughter around the dinner table. Dancing in the living room. Feeling prompted to soak in each moment, to be aware of being present.

This past year Tyah, our oldest daughter, had the chance of a lifetime to travel to Rwanda. As I think back over this opportunity she had, I couldn't be more thankful. I believe God met her there amidst the red dirt, the dusty sky, among the beautiful native faces, and joyful voices. I never want her to forget what she experienced there, what she felt, what she saw, what she heard.

In order to help her always remember what her "first time" was like (because I'm fairly certain there will be a second...and maybe a third...and maybe more), I asked her if she would blog about her experience. She readily agreed and chose to follow an interview style format. The following is what she had to share...

Why were you so adamant about going on this trip to Rwanda?
 Africa has always seemed so cool to me.  I fell in love with the movie Lion King as a kid, because it looked so completely different than anywhere I had been.  Of course this isn't what the entire continent of Africa looks like, but as I grew up and knew of people who had lived there or traveled there, I found it so much cooler than any other place like Europe or Australia.  I have always wanted to travel there and see the way people lived, but I never thought about it much because I never thought I would have the opportunity to do it.  When I joined the student leadership team for my youth group, I heard they were taking a group to Rwanda and I jumped at the opportunity. 

What were some of your fears before you departed?
I remember people asking me before I left if I was scared or nervous.  I remember thinking of course not.  I had been looking forward to this trip all year and I was so excited and ready.  It wasn't until after we landed in Kigali, the capitol of Rwanda, and got on our bus that I started to get nervous.  I realized my fear was that I would go into the trip with an idea of what everything would be like, and that after I would get there I would be disappointed.  Its weird, but I was afraid that I would have certain expectations for the trip and in the end they wouldn't be met.  I remember praying about it on the way to where we were staying, and once we got there I didn't feel this way the rest of the week.
 

Describe your initial experience as you first arrived?
There were a few short delays throughout our flights, so it was around 12 at night when we got to the school we were staying at.  Everyone found rooms and went to sleep because the next day was Sunday, so there was church.  The next morning, we walked to one of the classrooms of the school and sat down in the folding chairs set up.  Adults and children from the village came in and sat down as well.  We listened to the pastor give a sermon as a man next to him translated it to English.  After, we sang a few of their worship songs.  There weren't any words on a screen to read from and it was in their language, but we ended up catching on.  As we were singing, a girl probably around 10 years old came to the front and started dancing.  Kids started to follow her and soon we came and joined them at the front.  Two kids grabbed my hands and we all danced and sang together.  That was my first real experience there and it made me even more excited for the week ahead.

What were the things that you found captured your heart while you were there?
The church service definitely captured my heart.  I felt the most happy when we were all worshiping together.  I also fell in love with the students I got to meet throughout the week.  There was a girl named Patience who was probably in 4th or 5th grade, and throughout the day every day she would come and find me and hang out with me.  We had conversations about my family and her family and God, and she was always so outgoing and loving towards everyone.  Overall seeing how truly happy the kids were all the time and seeing the way the littlest things made their day was something I won't forget.

As the week went on, what kind of emotions did you experience?
For the seven days that we were there, we did as much as we possibly could, whether it was spending time with the kids, eating, debriefing at night around a campfire, going into town, or competing in the "Rwanda Cup" (soccer, basketball, and volleyball games against some of the workers from the school).  Between keeping up with our non-stop schedule and trying to take in all the things I was experiencing so quickly, I became very physically and emotionally exhausted.  Around the 4th day I broke down, and after having a really good conversation with one of the girls in my room, I took a three hour nap.  It was the best decision I made all week and I was more ready than ever for the rest of the week(:  But like I said, we experienced so much in such a short amount of time that it was hard to identify the emotions I was feeling while I was there.  A lot of that happened after I got home.

How would you describe your time in Africa using all five senses.
Africa looked like grey skies, red dust, rolling hills, and banana trees
Africa tasted like banana bread and jelly, passion fruit, chicken and rice, and porridge
Africa smelled like sweaty bodies, campfire, and coffee
Africa sounded like drums, kids yelling, the Lord's Prayer, and singing
Africa felt like dusty clothes, blisters, cold showers, hugs, and tiny hands

Did you learn anything about yourself while you were there? 
One of the biggest things I realized about myself is that I hate not being able to put my emotions into words.  A lot of times, when we would talk at the end of the day, people would ask what was going on in our minds and in our hearts.  For me, there was so much going on but I couldn't explain it to anyone or even myself.  This was hard, but I learned how to stop stressing about that and just take in everything that was still going on.  Even now when people ask me about the trip its hard to put anything into words because you have to experience it for yourself.  I learned so much on the trip, but I didn't get any kind of clear message from God like I thought I would.  For a while I was actually more confused.  But looking back on the experience I can see everything He's done in me and I am so thankful for it.

What are some of your favorite memories from Rwanda?
One of my favorite memories was when someone brought out speakers and played American music.  All of the kids loved it and they always broke out in dance any time they heard it.  I loved going to the restaurants and the markets and experiencing what every day life was like.  Another one of my favorite memories was one night after our group started going to bed, some of us stayed out around the fire.  We went around and talked about what we see God doing in each other and spoke life into one another.  We all became closer and it was so cool that we got to do it in Africa.  There are so many jokes and memories we all have from that trip. 
 
What do you miss most about not being there?
I miss Rwanda a lot.  I miss the people, the kids, the food, and the scenery.  I think the biggest thing though would be the kids.  I had more fun with them than with a lot of people my own age, because they were always so happy.  They always wanted to be holding your hand and they were always up for whatever.

What was your biggest takeaway from this experience? 
This is hard because it's hard to put my experience into words.  I didn't realize I could feel so many emotions so deeply in just one week.  God opened my eyes to life outside of my own and gave me a deeper love for people.  My faith in Him is so much stronger because I encountered Him in so many different ways on this trip.  I realized that when you surrender to the plan God has for your life, He can surprise you with opportunities you never thought you might have.  I will always be so thankful for this trip and everything I experienced while I was there.  I can't wait to see what God has for me in this next year, even if I don't get the same opportunity.  


To Tyah -- I am in awe of the way God is at work in you. I see Him growing in you a heart that looks more like His everyday. I love the way He has captured another piece of you through this trip. My prayer for you is that you will continue to seek Him, that you will continue to learn to hear His voice, and that you will continue to desire more of Him in your life. May your sense of adventure (which is pure testimony of the Father's hand at work) always lead you into a deeper experience of Jesus. I'm so proud of you and can't wait to see what God has in store for you in the future. I love you!