For the better part of seven years, I nannied for a family that grew from one child to three in the time span I was with them. Through this time, God not only provided for our family, but He also provided for my heart. The home in which I worked, became a home away from home for me. The family for which I worked became just that, family. We shared a love for Jesus that allowed us to also share deep and meaningful conversations. During the summers, I would bring my youngest two girls to work with me and the kids named themselves "The Summer Squad". The job, the season, the friendship was a gift (and that friendship remains a treasured gift to this day!). But inevitably kids grow up and it was becoming evident that my job was coming to an end. I had no idea what was next.
(The summer squad)
What followed is a series of events that can only speak of the faithfulness, sovereignty, and goodness of a Father who knows us better than we know ourselves.
The first call came less than two weeks after I found out my job was ending. Would Vaughn and I be interested in summer work. Ummmm...why, yes...yes we would. Who cares if that meant we would be setting up Hallmark card displays in Dollar Tree stores...and we would have to wear a collared shirt and khaki pants. Ok, maybe I cared...but not really! It meant financial provision for the summer months AND I got to work alongside my favorite person AND we got to drive a huge Penske truck everyday...what's not to love?
The first week was awful. I'm not gonna lie, I cried in that Penske truck.
However, adjustments were made, we found our rhythm, and instead of crying in the truck on the way home, we spent our time strategizing how to streamline the next job. I will always cherish our truck time together that summer, the laughter, the sweat, the crossing of fingers that there would always be a front entrance we could use. I will also never forget how humbling the job was, giving me a deep appreciation for all those who do manual labor everyday.
(Selfie in the Penske)
If there were an endless number of Dollar Trees in this world, with a three figure salary being offered to redo their Hallmark displays, we could have continued on with that job forever...but that is not the world we live in and so our temporary job came to an end. What would be next?
I knew that come fall, I needed to find full time work. At 42 I was forced to recognize that I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I didn't really know what I could do. Who was going to hire someone who hadn't been in the workforce for almost their entire life? How do you put on a resume, I love being a mom! I love doing ministry with my husband! I have no skills in technology and all my experience comes from simply running hard after Jesus. Unfortunately it's a little difficult to use Him as a reference. It was again, humbling and overwhelming.
In that time, my friend sent me a job post saying, "I think you would be awesome at this job." As I read the description, something inside of me broke open. I began to recognize that a new season was on the horizon...hope and excitement began to creep in. I applied for the job, and didn't get it. I was able to let it go and trust that God had something else for me (but man, I sure thought that job was it.).
A couple of weeks later as I was finishing up a resume for a different job (that I was not that excited about), I noticed the same exact job I had applied for earlier was re-posted. God, are you re-opening this door? There was an additional job posted that also looked interesting, so I applied for both, meaning I sent out three resumes that day.
What came next was an emotional whirlwind that took me to the end of myself, and left me questioning my ability to discern God's voice in my life.
The "quick" version is this...I interviewed for a job I didn't want. I panicked when I was offered the job. And by panic, I mean I literally had a panic attack in my car and had to call my husband to come help me. I miraculously, in the nick of time, was asked to interview for a job that I was getting super excited about. Therefore, I turned down the first job offer. I gave my initial interview for the second job, via video format. I "left" that interview (meaning I closed my computer) certain I had made a complete fool out of myself. For the next week, I wrestled through serious shame issues and cried more tears than I care to remember. I received an email asking me to come in for a second interview. This was it...God was making a way. Going into the interview, I remember thinking, "Is this what the Israelites felt like right before they stepped into the red sea?" The fear I felt was suffocating, as self-doubt threatened to consume me. All I could do was take the next step in front of me. I left the interview feeling as though I had found my dream job. I experienced such a sense of peace, that I was almost certain I would be offered the job. I was notified a day later that they offered the job to someone else. Deep disappointment settled in...I was exhausted, and it started to feel like God was just being mean.
By now fall was here and I needed to do something to bring in some kind of income. Before summer started, Vaughn encouraged me to do what I needed to do to get my teaching license current, despite the fact that I knew I didn't want to teach. Looking back, I know God's hand was in this suggestion. At this time, it made the most sense for me to substitute teach until I figured out what was next. In Littleton you have to have a current teaching license to sub, thanks to Vaughn I had that. In a district that was in desperate need of subs, I could substitute teach full time, and that's what I began to do...hating every. single. day of it.
As a substitute teacher, I was invisible. I was a place holder. I was simply a means of making sure a day could pass in order for normalcy to return the next day once I was gone. I was in a different room and a different school everyday. My need for relationship and connection tormented me, and I wondered why God would put me in a position so outside of who He created me to be, causing me to suffer. Again, it just seemed mean.
Early December I got called to sub in the PACE program at a local high school. The PACE program at this school is a special education program for students with moderate to severe needs. I went into the job not knowing what the day would look like. I left the job feeling sad that I wouldn't get more time with the students I had interacted with there. A couple of days later, I was asked to sub in the same program for a number of consecutive days covering the next two and a half weeks and leading right up to Christmas break. The consistency of going to the same school and working with the same students felt like a small gift...little did I know just how much of a gift it would be.
One morning as I drove to work, I heard myself saying to God, "I just want to do something I connect with, but I feel like you maybe know what that is even more than I do. I want to trust you to show me what that is."
Three days into the job at the high school, I was working with a student who is severely autistic. We were in an art class when he became agitated and upset. I suggested that we take a break and go out in the hall.
I will always remember this time and space.
As I sat on the steps in the hallway, I watched as "T" rocked back and forth talking himself down, reminding himself of the expected behavior. "I'm sorry for kicking the table. I will use calm voice. I'm sorry for kicking the table. I will use calm voice." Over and over he spoke to himself, and in this moment my heart was captured. The love I felt for this student whom I hardly knew was overwhelming. I wanted to put my arms around him and tell him how proud of him I was for using his coping skills. I wanted to comfort him and remind him of who he was, someone created on purpose and for a purpose. I wanted for him...I wanted him to continue to grow, to continue to establish relationships, to continue to become more fully who God created him to be, and I recognized a longing in me to be a part of that process.
Two and a half weeks flew by, but not so fast that I didn't have time to fall in love with each and every student I worked with. At the risk of sounding cliche, when I worked with these students I felt alive. I felt as though my true self was being accessed, as I tried to recognize and honor the true self in each of the students. I told myself I wouldn't cry on my last day...and I didn't...until I got into my car.
Going into Christmas break, I realized God was stirring in me a desire to pursue special education. It took me several weeks to even acknowledge my heart in all this, primarily because it came as such a shock. Special education was never on my radar. I was convinced I did not want to teach. This came so far out of left field for me, I kept laughing every time I tried to talk about it seriously. Surely this wasn't for real...and yet I couldn't shake the deep knowing in my soul that this was what was next for me. I had no idea what I needed to pursue the next steps, so I began to look into alternative licensure programs that would cost thousands of dollars and require a two year commitment. I was ready to agree to those terms.
Reality set in as Christmas break drew to a close. It was time to gear up for being invisible once again. By now, though, the vision of what might be next was enough to make me think I could do anything for the next five months. And then the phone rang...
It was a text, asking me if I would be willing to sub in a behavioral room at a local middle school...for the entire month of January. All I could do was laugh. God had just provided another opportunity for me to explore a different side of special education. Clearly He knew my heart, clearly He knew the thoughts running through my head during break, "What if I'm missing something? What if I don't have an accurate sense of whether or not this is for me? What if I pursue this and hate it?" In His generous and gracious character it was as if He was saying, "Why don't you explore it a little further for yourself, so you can know."
I took the job and on January 8 I walked into a room of 11 boys. Each boy with some kind of social/emotional need that required some form of additional support. Each beautiful boy with his own set of gifts and challenges. Once again, I fell in love.
I was considering every day in this program a gift, when I was approached by the principal asking if I would be willing to stay on until the end of the year. My days of feeling invisible were over. And now God doesn't feel or seem so mean, but instead I am overcome by the truth of His sovereignty and generosity.
(Living the life at Goddard Middle School)
Since then, I found out I only need three additional classes to obtain my special education endorsement. This is not only much cheaper than thousands of dollars, but also frees me from having to commit to a two year program. Who knew!?!
At the very beginning of the this entire journey, one of my closest friends from a state away called with a word for me from the Father, concerning what was to come. She spoke of sweet times with Vaughn filled with laughter. She spoke of a long road ahead, but one that held hope and joy and beauty. She spoke of a "knowing" that I would have as I neared the end. She spoke of growth in our girls as a result of this season and she ended with saying this, "I have a deep sense that when this season is over, you will be able to look back and say, 'Certainly, the Lord alone has done this.'"
Certainly, the Lord alone has done this and is doing this! You just can't make this stuff up. At 43 I am on the brink of a whole new season, and I couldn't be more excited. At 43 I am still learning how to walk in the truth of what I believe. At 43 I am still learning how to trust the Father, a Father who does know us better than we know ourselves. At 43 I am saying yes to the next chapter of my story, believing the Author who is writing it truly knows me, loves me unconditionally, and delights in making a way.
To My Girls -- I know, right now, you need no reminder of this past year, as you have walked this long road with me. But there will come a day when time has passed and we will be tempted to forget. My hope, in writing these posts for you, is that we never forget, but always remember.
May you never forget that you have a Father who knows you better than you know yourself and loves you unconditionally. May you always remember that even in the dark, in the unknown and unseen, your Father's hand is at work. Never forget the truth of who God is, so when you experience feelings that fly in the face of that truth you can remind yourself that feelings are not facts. Do everything you can to rest in the truth that God is good, faithful and sovereign, remembering that He has created you on purpose and for a purpose. Some days that purpose will feel so very clear and right, and other days you may have to wait and trust that that purpose is being worked out in the unseen. Never, ever forget that God delights in bringing about purpose and making a way. There's a chance, though, it may look nothing like anything you could've ever imagined. He's just good like that!
