I love being a part of a team...I've always loved being a part of a team. Playing ball through college, my teams were what shaped me and formed me outside of my family.
Seven years ago, when Vaughn and I left our families and moved to Colorado, we became our own kind of team. For 6 years we worked together as we explored what it means to live missionally, to love our neighbors, to make loving Jesus a lifestyle.
This was the day we left Kansas
Together we led kids club out of our home every week. Together we planted The Micah Project, our missional community that Vaughn pastors. Together we grilled hotdogs in the park and set up neighborhood movies on the lawn.
Late mornings often found us in the kitchen, I cleaning up after the breakfast rush and Vaughn stopping in after having already spent time at the coffee shop studying and reading. We would wrestle with what it means to live faithfully. We would process what it looks like to measure differently. And sometimes we would just kind of stare at each other, shake our heads and ask ourselves, "What are we doing?"
But our hearts had been captured by something and it wasn't going away.
This fall, Vaughn went bi-vocational and he took a teaching job at a public school in Denver. The opportunity for him to minister to a demographic of people that we've had a heart for was presented and we believed it was the right next step for "us".
I use the term "us" loosely. As much as I knew God's hand was at work in this, I did not realize what it would mean for this team.
Overnight, I found myself at home alone. My teammate was gone each day carrying out a part of our vision that we had spent so much time talking about together. He was being stretched beyond anything we could imagine. He was processing a whole new set of issues. He was participating in what felt like a whole other world. And God was doing a new work in him through it all.
God was also doing a work in me. As I faced hours and days alone, I was forced to work through some of my own "stuff". It felt lonely and hard, but the work required our separation.
As I sat with the Lord on one occasion, I sensed Him calling me to re-engage in my neighborhood. Due to Vaughn's schedule, we had taken a break with kids club and were essentially in a season of hanging on for dear life. I started to daydream about what it might look like to join Vaughn in that new world of his.
As I did this, the Lord spoke two very clear things to me. First, He assured me that He had a plan and that for the time being we would just have to trust Him in this. I've heard these words before, and I've gotten better at accepting them.
The second thing He spoke to me was a little harder. I heard the Lord say in an almost audible voice, "No matter what the future brings, you must live out this way of life in the present."
I knew it to be true. I had no argument against it. But this time around I found myself a bit more fearful than in the beginning.
Fearful, because I already knew what the next step was. It was a step that had been laid on our hearts months ago. It was a step that we felt was right. But it was a step that required us to make an invite, and I found myself panicked that I would be responsible for doing this on my own.
Often times when we've invited our neighbors into something, we hand out invitations at the kids' bus stop. Our neighborhood is full of kids and the bus comes each morning two houses down from ours. It's the perfect place to "get the word out".
But for some reason, this time around, I began to feel some anxiety about doing this. I knew parents would be out there in the morning. I knew it would be a great time to interact with them. So, where was this anxiousness coming from?
I quickly realized that it was coming from being out of practice. My team had become a bit dismantled and instead of keeping up my own skills, I essentially walked away from the game for awhile.
It was time to "get my head in the game" (Ha! I use that phrase only because I have daughters who will break out into song when they read it:) ). It was time to re-engage.
I should say here that I tend to be a bit of a "tell me what to do and I'll do it" person. I'm slowly learning that this is not always the most healthiest of ways. However, as I thought about handing these invitations out by myself, I was hearing the speech that went, "Really? What's wrong with you? Isn't this something you believe in? Then you just need to do it! Since when have you let fear control you?"
Needless to say the steps I was being asked to take were no doubt from the Lord, the speech however was not.
I could dive into what I thought the source of my fear was. I could debate whether or not I should have or should not have felt this way. I could analyze what this says about me and even try to defend myself. I'm not going to. Just know that in the end I was dreading walking out to that bus stop by myself.
It's funny how often I forget that my Jesus knows me better than I know myself. And it's sad how often I forget just how loving and gracious He is. Last Friday my husband told me that his Tuesday meeting had been cancelled, and this meant he actually had the day off. Tuesday was the day I was planning on handing out invitations. I had not spoken a word to anyone about what I was feeling...but then I didn't have to say it for the Father to know it.
Sometimes we're asked to walk through things that scare us or stretch us. Sometimes, though, we're given the opportunity to feel as though we're being romanced by the One who knows and loves us the most. As I walked to the bus stop today with my most treasured teammate, I was still anxious. But I was also reminded of how much more brave I feel when we're together.
I don't think this surprises God at all. As a matter of fact, I think he wires us to be our best when we're being together.
So, the invites are out. This momma is taking steps to re-engage. God continues to challenge us and lead us. If you think of it, say a prayer for us. We've learned it's about being obedient and faithful, but our hearts always hope and pray for others to be drawn to Him in the process. After Thursday, I'll let you know how it went.
I'd follow this guy to the ends of the earth!
To My Girls -- Oh girls, know that there will be seasons. Seasons that are exciting, seasons that are scary and many seasons in between. May you always remember that Jesus knows you and loves you. He knows your heart and He longs to walk alongside you no matter what season you are in. Always keep your eyes open to the ways God is at work in you and around you!
