Learning To Measure Differently

Obedience and Faithfulness.  It's how my husband and I have come to measure "success".

We live in a culture that loves to measure...highest score, most points, how many followers we have or "likes" we get.  We are constantly assessing whether something is a success or a failure, good or better.

But when it comes to church planting...when it comes to living missionally, I'm fairly certain these types of measurements may very well kill us.

From the beginning, Vaughn has always said that he is not so much interested in planting a church, but instead in planting a mission...living the way of Jesus, in community.  Establishing rhythms of life that reflect the heart of God, and hoping that our neighbors, coworkers and friends will be drawn to this way of life, along with this person of Jesus, as we grow in our relationships with them.

It feels right.  It's our response to the call to love God and love others.  It asks of us obedience and faithfulness.

Played out perfectly, it seems like we would see lives transformed, witness hope being restored, and participate in deep relationships. (And that is what we'd love to point to when we're "measuring" how successful we've been)

But nothing is ever perfect, and this way of living is proving to be far more messy than we would have thought, leaving us with more questions than when we began.  To be honest, there are days when it feels down right discouraging.  Because if we're measuring in any other terms other than obedience and faithfulness, some days it very well feels like we're failing.

Sitting on the couch together, Vaughn turns to me and says, "So, what is so good about the Good News?"  It's a question he asks our church community often.  It's a question that seems obvious and easy to answer if you've been raised in the church...Jesus loves us unconditionally, died for our sins, and offers us life in Him through a relationship with him...duh!

But that's not what my husband is talking about.  When he asks this question, he's coming off of a conversation we've been having a lot these days.  If this news that we're offering is so good, why aren't more people embracing it for themselves?  Why is it so easy for people to support us in what we're doing, but not really be interested in it for themselves?

For the last four years, we have poured our efforts into engaging our neighborhood, trying to find ways to connect, to build relationship, to establish "community" amongst the people we live near.  Our desire is to live and love in a way that draws people to Jesus.  But what if people aren't looking for Jesus?  What if people aren't interested in Jesus?

William Nicholson writes, “Self-sufficiency is the enemy of salvation. If you are self-sufficient, you have no need of God. If you have no need of God, you do not seek Him. If you do not seek Him, you will not find Him.”

We are experiencing the truth of this.  And it's hard.  It has me wondering.  It feels overwhelming.

If I'm honest, at times, it feels like we're wasting our time.  What do you do when a need isn't recognized...when we live in a time that has many of us deceived into believing that we will find hope, purpose, even joy in something that we can pull off on our own?

When I get to this place, I'm always forced to go back to our terms of measurement.  Obedience and faithfulness.  Are we walking obediently?  Are we being faithful to what God has called us to?  I believe we are.

But there are days when this doesn't feel like enough.  There are days when my heart desires to see something tangible as a result of this way of living, when I long to be encouraged and inspired by what is happening around me.  I want to see lives transformed, dang it!

Is this selfish? Maybe. But I know my Father desires the same thing...even more than I do.

And so where does that leave us?

Here is where I share with you some amazingly insightful and inspiring thought...

But I don't have one.

I seriously am asking, "What does this mean?"  I'm trying to walk obediently and faithfully, while still acknowledging my feelings.  And in all reality, right now it feels hopeless in a lot of ways.

I do know that often times the Lord is working behind the scenes, moving in ways we might never know of.  I get that, and I'm ok with that.

But I can't deny the fact that there seems to be little need for what we've got to offer, and this weighs heavy on my heart.

So, that's where I'm at today.  Walking that line between hoping and holding on loosely.  Working hard to believe, while choosing to simply walk faithfully and obediently.

To My Girls -- May your hearts be captured by those times when you see Jesus at work.  Tuck these experiences into your heart, never forget them...return to them as you remember who God is.  Because there will be days when you feel overwhelmed, when you wonder why we do what we do and live the way we live, when so many others choose differently.  There will be days when your hearts cry out to see change in those you've come to love, as you desire more for them through a relationship with Jesus, but wonder if they will ever choose this for themselves.  Remember that your call is simply to walk obediently and faithfully to that which the Father has called you to.  Do this well, do this passionately, do this with all your heart.

Time Away

7 years ago, my husband began his seminary studies.  We had just moved to Colorado, and he was enrolled in a hybrid course through George Fox out of Portland.  We lived in a small townhouse where all four of our girls shared a room.

During this time, the Lord provided for us in ways beyond what we could've ever imagined.  One year into his studies, Vaughn landed a part-time job with a bank consulting business.  This job required Vaughn to travel one week out of every six.  It paid well, and worked with Vaughn's school schedule.

Who knew that it would also be an investment in our marriage 6 years later? 

This last week, we were finally able to cash in on the flyer miles and hotel points that Vaughn had acquired during the several years he worked for this company.  A trip that has been almost 3 years in the making...

And it couldn't have come at a better time!  Have I mentioned before (like a hundred times) that this last year has been a rough one?  A life changing one, one that we would not trade, but a rough one nonetheless.

So a trip to the ocean with my man was just what this heart needed.

We began breathing deeply and relaxing our shoulders the minute we got in the car to drive to the airport.  We talked, we held hands, we bought coffee, we smiled.

One morning we rented a tandem bike.  Tell me this doesn't scream tourist!  My husband is such a good sport.  When I told him this was the one thing I wanted to do aside from parking myself on the sand, he said he was game.  I'm fairly certain we were the ONLY couple doing this.  During the the three days we were there, I never saw another tandem bike. Ha!

We road along the Bay, we tackled this spiraling path (both up and down), we took turns being the one in the front (my time lasted all of 5 minutes...let's just say a close encounter with a tree cut my time short). 

And we laughed...oh my gosh how we laughed.  I'm certain we looked ridiculous at times (for at least 5 minutes of that time, for sure).  But we didn't care.  We took video of us riding along the marina, and because it was such a great shot I had Vaughn turn around and ride that strip three times in a row so I could get a good picture.  This man should get some kind of award for humoring me.

Another morning we got up and went for a walk/jog along this path.  Just beautiful!  As we talked about the girls, and ministry, and life, we soaked in the sun and each other.

And in the afternoons, we spent a little time in heaven.

I don't know what it is about the ocean...it does something to me.  The sound, the feel, the smell.  To be able to look out forever and see nothing but water.  To feel the soft sand on my feet, and the sun on my face.  To hear the waves, and smell the salt. 

I cried when we walked away from it on our last day.  No lie, real tears.

Every once in awhile during our time there I found myself thinking about the girls.  They inherited a love for the water from their momma.  I knew how much they would've loved to have been there with us.

I told this to Vaughn.

I fully expected him to agree with me.  After all, he had communicated that he was missing them a bit. (maybe even more than me)  Instead, though, he told me that he thought it was important for our girls to keep experiencing us doing things like this.  Showing them the value of investing in a marriage relationship.  Continuing to teach them through example what it looks like to make time for each other, to find ways to grow in our friendship (even after almost 19 years), and to never stop carving out space to play.

He's right.  And I love him for this.

To My Girls -- When I'm away from you, you are still with me.  I hear your squeals of excitement in opening the door to a hotel room.  I see your little bodies testing out the water and getting braver as you venture into the waves, while you older ones can't get your tanning oil on fast enough!:)  I know how much you would love the sand and get a kick out of the palm trees.  Know that my heart longs to experience a place like this with you someday!
     However, I also want you to know how important it is for Daddy and I to have this time together.  In order to love someone well, you must make time for that person.  You must make that person a priority.  Life can and will be hard.  Having someone to do life with is a gift.  My prayer is that the Father will bless each of you with a husband who loves you deeply and runs hard after Jesus.  When the time comes, know that you will never regret investing in this relationship.  Remember that communication is worth the vulnerability it sometimes requires.  Never forget that laughter draws you together.  And always cherish seeking the Father together.