Enough

I'd love to know if there is anyone living on this big, beautiful earth that doesn't like the feeling of being in control.  Anyone???

Anyone out there who just loves the thrill of the unknown, the out of control, the sense of helplessness that comes from not being able to fix something, the anxiousness that arises when you realize how little control we do have in this life?  I could break out into a cold sweat just typing these words.

Once again, I'm just going to come out and say, I may wrestle with control issues.  My friends and family might argue that using the word may is living a fantasy.  A girl can dream, though, right?

I think I've shared before that I like to have a good plan. I am happy when I know there is some organization to what is happening. I work hard to be prepared. I embrace order...again, all ways of saying I like the feeling of circumstances being under control.

This is something I've realized more and more about myself in the last couple of years.  I'm a weird mix of easy going and crazed control freak.  For the most part, I'm pretty laid back about the little things in life. (I really don't care where we eat when we're out on a date.  And as long as my girls are fully clothed I don't get worked up about whether what they picked out to wear matches or not.  My oldest wore sweat pants to school for the first 12 years of her life, and my youngest just walked out the door this morning in hawaiian shorts, a Tabor College basketball t-shirt and silver glitter sandals.) I lose no sleep over these things.

 However, when it comes to circumstances...when it comes to pulling something off, or having a vision, a dream, when it comes to life happening in deep ways, I know and recognize my desire for control.  I want plans to go well.  I want success for myself and those I love.  I want that feeling of knowing where we're going, working hard to get there, and being confident of the end result.  And if the end result isn't a good one, I'm actually ok with that.  I just want to know that beforehand.  Is that too much to ask?

I just want to know!

The unknown often feels like my enemy. So much can happen in the unknown.  There's the possibility of pain in the unknown, failure, broken dreams, loneliness, mistakes, tragedy, suffering.  Is there the possibility of goodness and celebration and hope in the unknown?  Of course, but these are not the things that keep me up at night.

It's the hard unknown that can feel suffocating.  That speaks lies into the truth of what I already do know.  But sometimes I forget that truth.

Last week a friend told me she was processing the question, "Why isn't Jesus enough?".  My first reaction was to dive into a long conversation with her about why I thought so many people struggled with believing that Jesus is enough.  These poor people, always looking to something else to meet their needs, never choosing to rely on Jesus in the hard.  Why can't they see that Jesus is enough for them? (Why do I always assume it's someone else who has the problem?)

We actually did talk about what this looks like for the church, but it was while I was saying something about how "others" just don't seem to get it, that I heard the words, "Am I enough for you?"

I disregarded that little voice because I was making a point that concerned others, not me. (yes, go ahead and roll your eyes...I deserve that.)  And even though I was choosing to not engage in that particular conversation, I heard the question being whispered and thought to myself, "Of course, Jesus you know you're enough for me."  All of that went through my mind while I was still addressing someone else's issues.

If you've read any of my other posts, you know that sometimes it takes a couple turns around the bend to get me to realize what God is saying to me.  I really am thankful that He is patient and long suffering because there are some days I think He must want to walk away shaking His head.

Lucky for me, instead, He chooses to keep pursuing, relentlessly, with those things that He wants me to know and learn.  I'm learning to feel loved by this instead of shameful that I didn't already know it to begin with.

And so those whispered words would not quiet.  The question, "Am I enough for you?" kept playing in my head.  With time, it turned into the question, "What does it look like for Jesus to be enough?"

This question captured my mind and I began to play out different scenarios.  The anxiety I was feeling about a situation involving one of our daughters...what did it look like for Jesus to be enough for me in this?  The financial questions we had...the challenging relationship I was in with a friend...the ministry questions we are processing.

When things are going smoothly, when all is well, to be honest I often live as though I don't even need Jesus.  But when I am reminded of the reality that I am not in control, and there are a lot of unknowns that I have to face everyday, I am forced to answer the question with my choices and behavior.

Will I choose to trust?  Will I choose to believe?  Will I choose to put my hope in a Savior?  Or will I choose to flounder, to freak out and grasp at anything and everything to try to regain that control I so desperately want?  Will I allow my thoughts to run away with me and live in the fear that comes with all the "what if's"?  Or will Jesus be enough?

It sounds so cliche doesn't it?  Even as I was sharing my thoughts with Vaughn on all this, I kept thinking, "This is the most ridiculous, cliche thing ever!  Why is something so bumper sticker-esk, rocking your world?"

Can't you just see it?  You pull up to the stop light and read on the car bumper in front of you, "Is Jesus Enough?"  You roll your eyes, assume some holier than thou is in the driver's seat, come up with some snarky response and accelerate at the green.

I get it.  Because I'm uber sensitive to super churchy lingo.  No one wants to hear it.

But this question for me has nothing to do with being super churchy.  And although it seems like a pretty basic question, I am finding the answer has huge repercussions for the way I choose to live my story.

If my answer to this question is "Yes", than I am giving up that control I so desperately fight for.  I am surrendering to the sovereignty of my Creator.  I am putting my hope and trust in Jesus, living out the belief that no matter what, He is enough for me.  I am agreeing with the writer of Lamentations in saying, "The Lord is my portion...(3:24)"  He is enough for me in all things.

When I give in to anxious thoughts, to jealousy, to a critical spirit.  When I throw a fit because I don't believe I deserve what is happening.  When I manipulate and run ahead of circumstances with my own plan, I am answering the given question with a resounding "No".

I can see how a lot of my days have been filled with the answer, "No".

I want to change that.

As the Father continues to gently pry my fingers back from holding on so tightly to my own plan, my own way, I am slowly learning what it looks like to say "Yes".  I want nothing more than Jesus to always be enough for me.  It's a process.  It's taking time to retrain my mind and my heart.  But the freedom that I have already experienced in saying "Yes" is enough to keep me asking the question.

To My Girls -- I want nothing more than for you to become fully you, the unique individuals Christ has created you to be.  I want you to know love and happiness.  I want you to live on purpose, sharing the love of Jesus in whatever you do.  As your momma, I hate thinking about you going through any kind of pain, turmoil or struggle.  But the world we live in is a broken one.  We are guaranteed hardship.  My prayer is that as you grow, you will learn what it means to look to Jesus in all things.  That He would always be your portion, and that you find freedom and hope in trusting His sovereign ways.