Saying Yes

I've been watching a lot of Prison Break these days, along with Call The Midwife (bet you would've never put those two together).  I've read two fictional novels in the last week and a half.  I finally decided to replace our dishes after 19 years of marriage, so I spent an entire day tracking down enough pieces from various Walmart's to complete a set of 12 (Thank you Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond!).

I know that these are the things I do when I'm avoiding.

Sometimes my feelings are so deep it hurts to process them.  Sometimes the future is so unknown it scares the life out of me.  Sometimes the discouragement is so thick I can feel it turning into anger.  The weight of all the "what if's", the "what are we doing's", and the "what could be's" is so heavy it's sometimes hard to breath.

We've been doing a lot of processing at our house...yes, still. (Will there ever be a day when I don't use that line in a post?) This journey can be so hard sometimes.  And that hard comes in so many different forms.  For me, lately, it's been emotional.  My heart longs to see transformation.  My being is hungry to be a part of something.  My soul feels a bit like Donkey on Shrek when he's standing among all the fairy tale characters jumping up and down yelling, "Me! Me! Pick me!"

I want to feel picked for a purpose and I want to see that purpose bear fruit.  I want to see more of the Kingdom breaking through.  I want to see lives transformed.  I want to experience more of the Holy Spirit in my life.

I also want to know what God is up to and what that is going to look like for me.  I want to know how long this season of discernment is going to last and how it's going to end.  I want to eat pie for breakfast, and chips with my lunch while still being able to fit into my jeans (a.k.a. yoga pants).

I realize I want a lot of things.

I think the Father wants a lot of these same things for me (minus the pie and chips, maybe...although I am convinced there will be lemon meringue pie along with Doritos and guacamole at the great banquet table in heaven).  But I also realize that there is an underlying desire for something else throughout all of these other desires, and that's for control.

Are we honestly having this conversation again?

I'm about 10 years into this surrendering thing and the end seems nowhere in sight.  I have felt the peace that comes with opening up my hands and letting go.  I know the hope we have in serving a sovereign God, a good God.  Why, then, can I not master this skill of trusting, of believing, of resting in a surrendered state?

The other day I was talking on the phone to my mom (I may or may not have been crying).  I was frustrated and confused.  I knew the right answers, but that didn't stop the strong emotions.  After listening patiently, she finally spoke truth into my situation like only a mom can.  She gently told me to get back to the present and simply be willing to say "Yes" to whatever the Father was asking of me that day.

The minute the words left her mouth, I knew they were for me.  But I still felt myself rise against them a bit.  Isn't that too easy?  Who's going to think about the future?  Who is going to discern?  Who is going to come up with the next step?

Knowing my mom is a woman of great wisdom, I've been working at saying "Yes".  I'm doing my best to stay in the present, to simply do what is in front of me. 

Yes, I will do our laundry. 
Yes, I will read with my youngest. 
Yes, I will prepare for kids club. 
Yes, I will lay down my anxious thoughts in a conversation with my Creator. 
Yes, I will lay down my anxious thoughts. 
Yes, I will lay down my anxious thoughts.

On my hard days I find myself swinging from one side of the spectrum to the other.  At one point I can feel so hopeful and excited about what God is stirring in us that I can hardly see straight, only to become so doubtful and overwhelmed I begin to question everything we're doing.

On my good days, though, I'm learning to stop myself before the emotions get too intense.  I'm learning to ask myself what it is I am to say "Yes" to on that day.  I'm working at trusting what I know to be true instead of what I feel to be true.  That's a biggie for this girl who seems to ALWAYS be feeling something.

My goal is to learn to say "Yes" to hope consistently and to find joy in the waiting.  That's my goal...someday, sometime, may it be so.

To My Girls -- My prayer is that all four of you would have hearts that always choose to say "Yes" to Jesus, even when it may seem unclear as to what you are saying "Yes" to, even when the "Yes" feels hard.