Conversations...(Part 3)

I like to think of myself as a fun person.  I love to laugh.  I love to be crazy.  I love having a good time.  However, when I picture myself in this way, I immediately see myself with my husband, with my sister or with my close friends.

I'm sad to say that I don't necessarily see myself like this with my girls.  Don't get me wrong...we joke around and laugh plenty together.  But when I picture myself with them, most often I see myself in "teacher" mode.  I'm always trying to take hold of a teachable moment and use it for all its worth.  If a teachable moment were a wet rag, I'd wring that baby bone dry. 

I just want for my girls.  I want them to grasp the value of being kind and gracious.  I want them to learn to be responsible and aware.  I long for them to think ahead and make wise choices.  To be honest,  I'd love nothing more than to be able to impart to them all I've learned in my 39 years, keeping them from having to experience the pain, the hurt and the disappointment that comes from not knowing these things.  If they listened to me, and fully grasped what I was saying in these moments they could be so far ahead of the game!

But I know life doesn't work that way.  I know so much of what we know ourselves, must be learned through experience, trial and error and personal choices.  So as a parent I'm put in this position that gives me the freedom and authority to speak truth into my girls, but also requires me to let go of trying to control each situation in order to make it as impactful as I think it should be.

Now, before you write me off as a completely neurotic mom with serious control issues...please read on (because you may be right, but I am learning!)

Finding ways to play with my girls is something that the Father has been challenging me with lately.  I know the value of play.  I have experienced the benefits of play.  Play is something I want to do more with my girls.

Play allows my girls to see me in a different light.  It allows us to bond differently than a "parent moment" might.  It speaks love to my girls without using words.  It brings joy.

Even as I write these words, I'm asking myself why aren't we playing more?  Why is it so easy for this mom role to suck me into acting so serious all the time?  Why do I assume I should be the one watching instead of joining in?

I know there are days when I'm just tired and weary from being the mom that I forget to let loose sometimes.  There are days when my interactions with the girls feel incredibly intentional, or challenging and I just want to sit back, let them play, and breathe in the space.  I think that's ok.

But somewhere in the in between, I lose that part of myself that loves to be crazy, that loves to laugh, and is desiring more joy.  I know the Father created me to be full of energy and life with a laugh that can be heard across the room.  I want my girls to know this part of me as much as any other part.

This summer has given us the opportunity to play together.  The down time, the flexible schedule, the summer weather, it calls me to play.

I also know I don't want to have to rely on the stars perfectly aligning in order to engage my kids in this way.  I want to find ways to make play happen.  I want to be aware of those times when I'm just watching, and choose to jump in more often.  I am committed to listening more closely to the Father's whispers as He cues me in to those moments when I need to let go and simply become a part of what is happening around me.

As the school year approaches, I know it could be a challenge.  Once we get into the "routine" days get filled up, energy is spent keeping everyone on task, bedtime comes quick and so does the morning.  But I refuse to forget what I am learning. 

I will choose to play, I will choose to let loose, I will choose to laugh, I will choose joy!

To My Girls -- My hope is that you will not just remember the "life lessons" I have taught you, but that you will also remember just being together, playing together, laughing together.  I love watching you do all of these things, but would be sad to think about missing out just because I chose not to join in. Thank you for inviting me into your play.  Thanks for making me feel loved by your squeals of delight when I do join in.  And most of all, thanks for your patience as this momma learns and grows right along with you!

Conversations... (Part 2)

I love a good plan.  I'm not exceptionally organized, or obsessively clean.  I feel like I have the ability to be fairly flexible.  But overall, I love a good plan.  I love the feeling of being prepared.  I will make lists in advance in order to avoid feeling stressed.

Really what it all boils down to is the fact that even more than loving a good plan, I like to be in control.  And feeling like I have a good plan, and am prepared for anything, makes me feel like I'm in control.

Being a Momma has taught me the value of being prepared, but it has also exposed my need for control.  Being a Surrendered Momma involves me continually being reminded that control is not what I need to be seeking.  Instead, my efforts are better spent finding ways to channel my energies into trusting the One who ultimately is in control.  Easier said than done!

For the last several months, Vaughn and I have been processing life, ministry, family, and relationships.  As our conversations are filled with "what if's", and "what is", as we express our hopes and fears, I immediately find myself working out a plan.

I should probably mention here, before I go on, that I'm a pretty good planner.  Just to give you an idea, I've been planning my own 40th birthday celebration for a year now.  It involves hosting my entire family (32 people to be exact) for an extended weekend in my home...but that's another blog post entirely.

So, when there are decisions to be made, choices to consider, and schedules to follow, a good plan seems necessary.  Considering the fact that life always seems to require decisions, choices and schedules, coming up with a plan often consumes my time.  No problem!

Except it is.

At least it's becoming a problem for me.  Because in my need for a plan, in my desire for a sense of control, I'm missing out on so much.

The other day as I walked along this path while we were in the mountains, I found myself looking down, choosing my steps carefully. 

And that's when I heard the Father say, "Look up..."  As I did, this is what I saw...

My heart stopped...my breath caught in my throat...immediately I felt emotional, why was I looking down, when I could've been looking at this?

The symbolism was not lost on me.

At that moment, I realized what the Father was saying to me.  In my effort to develop plans, and to pull of plans, I was missing out.

As I stared in awe at the work of our Creator, I was reminded of the fact that no matter how good of a planner I am, I serve the One who is the master planner.  In that, I have a choice.  I can either wrestle it out with the One I serve, trying my hardest to prove that I know better.  Or, I can simply look up and in doing so surrender my own plans in order to open myself up for the ultimate plan.

It sounds beautiful, doesn't it?

Ha!  Anyone knows surrendering and giving up any sense of control feels like a lot of things...beautiful is not one of them!  And it's not a lesson I'm learning quickly.  I feel like I've been around this bend a time or two...or a thousand.

But as hard as it is, there is always a physical response that I have to the truth of surrendering.  It's a relief, it's a deep sigh, a lowering of the shoulders, as I find hope once again in believing that I don't have to know.  I don't have to plan.  I don't have to control.

In surrendering, I also get to bear witness to the work of our Creator.

As much as I love planning, I hate missing out on something.  I'm learning that life is happening all around me, but I'm often missing it because I'm too busy trying to plan out our life.  Crazy, I know!

When a plan needs to be made, and that become priority, it's scary how quickly I can ignore, put off, get crabby, and assume that if everyone else had a brain, they would be helping with the plan as well!

I know you're all sad you don't live with me.

Lately, though, I've become aware of what I'm missing out on...being present, hearing my girls, asking good questions, relaxing enough to laugh and be silly.

Really, I'm missing out on joy.

This summer I've felt a lack of joy, and I'm fairly certain it comes as a result of grasping for some sense of control.  In an effort to attain the control I desire, I have found myself continually trying to create a master plan.  A plan that allows our family to function smoothly, a plan that gives us the opportunity to minister to others, a plan that builds relationships and keeps them.

I am always looking for the plan that gives me a sense of security, one that reassures me that I'm being the parent I need to be, the wife I need to be, the friend I want to be, the Jesus follower I'm called to be.

But this life doesn't work that way.  And on my good days I'm able to remind myself that this type of plan doesn't exist.

This is where I'm at right now.  I'm currently dying for a plan to make things feel less crazy.  I'm longing for a plan to give me a sense of control and security.  I'd even take a plan that just made sure I knew what we were having for dinner each evening (ok, that one I could probably work on).

However, today I'm choosing to surrender these longings.  I'm tired of missing out.  I'm sick of feeling anxious.  I want joy.  I'm ready to give the planning back to the One who is sovereign. 

It's funny how much easier it is to trust when I'm at the end of myself, when I no longer feel able to be the ultimate planner, when I'm desperate for hope and help.  It's sad that it takes all this to get me to this place.  I don't think the Father cares, though.  I'm fairly certain He's not surprised by it either.

Ultimately, I hear him saying the same thing to me, "I also don't want you to miss out.  Trust Me, surrender, and keep looking up.  You won't want to miss all that I've got planned."

To My Girls -- Remember that this life is about the journey.  Take the scenic route and keep your eyes up, always looking to the One who is in control.  Make the choice to surrender and trust.  Your heavenly Father is good.  He loves you and He has a plan for you.  Rest in knowing that you don't have to know it all, be it all, do it all.  Embrace what the day holds for you, finding joy in not having to be in control.

Conversations with Jesus (Part 1)

Way back in September of last year, the Lord gave me a word..."Remain".  Meeting me in a hard season of life, the Father called me to Him, reminding me of the importance of remaining in Him (John 15:4-5).  I clung to this word and His promise as I journeyed through a dark time.

I found hope in reminding myself to remain in the vine.  I desperately needed the life that was offered to me in my remaining.

Slowly, though, over time, life got in the way.  And I went from holding on to the vine with all my might, to slowly losing my grip.  Instead of remaining, I was coming and going as I pleased.  I became distracted by the details of my days, and filled my time with mindless activity.

The end of the school year arrived.  The girls embraced summer with open arms.  We packed up Vaughn's classroom, and celebrated the completion of his first year of teaching.

My mind hardly had time to anticipate the Pastor's Retreat Vaughn and I were scheduled to attend.  But as we pulled up to our meeting place, it slowly began to sink in.  When Vaughn told the man checking us in that we would be staying for four nights, my head began to spin.  Be still oh my heart!

I was looking at four days of spiritual renewal, time with my hubby, in breathtaking surroundings.  The Father was once again wooing me to Him.

The first morning we were there, we were given Psalm 23 for our meditation exercise.  We were encouraged to go out and walk for the first 30 minutes, noticing our surroundings along with what we were thinking and feeling.

Immediately I wanted to go to the water.  I love water.  I wanted to listen to it,  put my feet in it, look at it.  There is something about water that draws me.  But on this day I felt compelled to keep walking. 

As I continued to explore the grounds we were on, I rounded a corner to find an amazing green space...with poppies!  I have fallen in love with these flowers ever since we moved to Colorado.  The space was beautiful, so I sat down and began to read Psalm 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures..."

I could not go on.  It was not lost on me where I was sitting.  As I felt led away from the water that day, to the green space, I knew what the Lord was doing.  He was making me lie down in green pastures.

Typically, when I feel as though someone is trying to make me do something, I want to rear up a bit.  My pride kicks in and I convince myself that I know better.  It can be a very ugly thing.

On this morning, though, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of God's love in "making me lie down...".  I recognized His hand at work in bringing me to this place.  And slowly He reminded me of the word He had given me in September.

How had I forgotten?  When had I stopped?  What was more important or life giving that would keep me from continually inviting Jesus to speak into my days, my thoughts, my circumstances?

Before we were sent out on this exercise, we were encouraged to engage this time as an open conversation with Jesus.  So, that's what I did. 

Instead of slipping into shame, instead of scolding myself for forgetting, instead of convincing myself that I had not proven myself worthy of entering into the Father's presence and therefore robbing myself of time with Him.  I simply lifted my eyes up and asked, "What happened?"

Gently Jesus met me in the conversation.  He reminded me of how much I like to be in control.  He revealed to me my lack of patience.  He spoke to me of my pride and selfishness.

All the while, though, He was loving me.  A soft breeze cooled my face and it was as if His presence was being made known.  I felt the delight He was taking in visiting with me.  I wasn't being judged, or scolded.  I was being wooed.  Because that's the Jesus I'm learning to know.  One that draws me to Him with poppies, and His word, and His patience.

One that makes me lie down, not because He is controlling, but because He knows my soul deeply needs the life He has to offer.  Because He knows me better than I know myself, and He's willing to pursue me and wait for me all at the same time.

In this green pasture, I heard His voice...

"Remain in me and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  I am the vine and you are the branches.  Those who remain in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing."

To My Girls  -- There is nothing more important in this life than remaining in Christ.  May you find ways to invite Him into your daily walk, learning how to converse with Him along the way.  My prayer is that you find delight in discovering the ways you best connect with Jesus, without getting tangled up in the legalism of spiritual disciplines.  As you continually invite Jesus into the conversation, I have no doubt you will bear much fruit!

Learning To Measure Differently

Obedience and Faithfulness.  It's how my husband and I have come to measure "success".

We live in a culture that loves to measure...highest score, most points, how many followers we have or "likes" we get.  We are constantly assessing whether something is a success or a failure, good or better.

But when it comes to church planting...when it comes to living missionally, I'm fairly certain these types of measurements may very well kill us.

From the beginning, Vaughn has always said that he is not so much interested in planting a church, but instead in planting a mission...living the way of Jesus, in community.  Establishing rhythms of life that reflect the heart of God, and hoping that our neighbors, coworkers and friends will be drawn to this way of life, along with this person of Jesus, as we grow in our relationships with them.

It feels right.  It's our response to the call to love God and love others.  It asks of us obedience and faithfulness.

Played out perfectly, it seems like we would see lives transformed, witness hope being restored, and participate in deep relationships. (And that is what we'd love to point to when we're "measuring" how successful we've been)

But nothing is ever perfect, and this way of living is proving to be far more messy than we would have thought, leaving us with more questions than when we began.  To be honest, there are days when it feels down right discouraging.  Because if we're measuring in any other terms other than obedience and faithfulness, some days it very well feels like we're failing.

Sitting on the couch together, Vaughn turns to me and says, "So, what is so good about the Good News?"  It's a question he asks our church community often.  It's a question that seems obvious and easy to answer if you've been raised in the church...Jesus loves us unconditionally, died for our sins, and offers us life in Him through a relationship with him...duh!

But that's not what my husband is talking about.  When he asks this question, he's coming off of a conversation we've been having a lot these days.  If this news that we're offering is so good, why aren't more people embracing it for themselves?  Why is it so easy for people to support us in what we're doing, but not really be interested in it for themselves?

For the last four years, we have poured our efforts into engaging our neighborhood, trying to find ways to connect, to build relationship, to establish "community" amongst the people we live near.  Our desire is to live and love in a way that draws people to Jesus.  But what if people aren't looking for Jesus?  What if people aren't interested in Jesus?

William Nicholson writes, “Self-sufficiency is the enemy of salvation. If you are self-sufficient, you have no need of God. If you have no need of God, you do not seek Him. If you do not seek Him, you will not find Him.”

We are experiencing the truth of this.  And it's hard.  It has me wondering.  It feels overwhelming.

If I'm honest, at times, it feels like we're wasting our time.  What do you do when a need isn't recognized...when we live in a time that has many of us deceived into believing that we will find hope, purpose, even joy in something that we can pull off on our own?

When I get to this place, I'm always forced to go back to our terms of measurement.  Obedience and faithfulness.  Are we walking obediently?  Are we being faithful to what God has called us to?  I believe we are.

But there are days when this doesn't feel like enough.  There are days when my heart desires to see something tangible as a result of this way of living, when I long to be encouraged and inspired by what is happening around me.  I want to see lives transformed, dang it!

Is this selfish? Maybe. But I know my Father desires the same thing...even more than I do.

And so where does that leave us?

Here is where I share with you some amazingly insightful and inspiring thought...

But I don't have one.

I seriously am asking, "What does this mean?"  I'm trying to walk obediently and faithfully, while still acknowledging my feelings.  And in all reality, right now it feels hopeless in a lot of ways.

I do know that often times the Lord is working behind the scenes, moving in ways we might never know of.  I get that, and I'm ok with that.

But I can't deny the fact that there seems to be little need for what we've got to offer, and this weighs heavy on my heart.

So, that's where I'm at today.  Walking that line between hoping and holding on loosely.  Working hard to believe, while choosing to simply walk faithfully and obediently.

To My Girls -- May your hearts be captured by those times when you see Jesus at work.  Tuck these experiences into your heart, never forget them...return to them as you remember who God is.  Because there will be days when you feel overwhelmed, when you wonder why we do what we do and live the way we live, when so many others choose differently.  There will be days when your hearts cry out to see change in those you've come to love, as you desire more for them through a relationship with Jesus, but wonder if they will ever choose this for themselves.  Remember that your call is simply to walk obediently and faithfully to that which the Father has called you to.  Do this well, do this passionately, do this with all your heart.

Time Away

7 years ago, my husband began his seminary studies.  We had just moved to Colorado, and he was enrolled in a hybrid course through George Fox out of Portland.  We lived in a small townhouse where all four of our girls shared a room.

During this time, the Lord provided for us in ways beyond what we could've ever imagined.  One year into his studies, Vaughn landed a part-time job with a bank consulting business.  This job required Vaughn to travel one week out of every six.  It paid well, and worked with Vaughn's school schedule.

Who knew that it would also be an investment in our marriage 6 years later? 

This last week, we were finally able to cash in on the flyer miles and hotel points that Vaughn had acquired during the several years he worked for this company.  A trip that has been almost 3 years in the making...

And it couldn't have come at a better time!  Have I mentioned before (like a hundred times) that this last year has been a rough one?  A life changing one, one that we would not trade, but a rough one nonetheless.

So a trip to the ocean with my man was just what this heart needed.

We began breathing deeply and relaxing our shoulders the minute we got in the car to drive to the airport.  We talked, we held hands, we bought coffee, we smiled.

One morning we rented a tandem bike.  Tell me this doesn't scream tourist!  My husband is such a good sport.  When I told him this was the one thing I wanted to do aside from parking myself on the sand, he said he was game.  I'm fairly certain we were the ONLY couple doing this.  During the the three days we were there, I never saw another tandem bike. Ha!

We road along the Bay, we tackled this spiraling path (both up and down), we took turns being the one in the front (my time lasted all of 5 minutes...let's just say a close encounter with a tree cut my time short). 

And we laughed...oh my gosh how we laughed.  I'm certain we looked ridiculous at times (for at least 5 minutes of that time, for sure).  But we didn't care.  We took video of us riding along the marina, and because it was such a great shot I had Vaughn turn around and ride that strip three times in a row so I could get a good picture.  This man should get some kind of award for humoring me.

Another morning we got up and went for a walk/jog along this path.  Just beautiful!  As we talked about the girls, and ministry, and life, we soaked in the sun and each other.

And in the afternoons, we spent a little time in heaven.

I don't know what it is about the ocean...it does something to me.  The sound, the feel, the smell.  To be able to look out forever and see nothing but water.  To feel the soft sand on my feet, and the sun on my face.  To hear the waves, and smell the salt. 

I cried when we walked away from it on our last day.  No lie, real tears.

Every once in awhile during our time there I found myself thinking about the girls.  They inherited a love for the water from their momma.  I knew how much they would've loved to have been there with us.

I told this to Vaughn.

I fully expected him to agree with me.  After all, he had communicated that he was missing them a bit. (maybe even more than me)  Instead, though, he told me that he thought it was important for our girls to keep experiencing us doing things like this.  Showing them the value of investing in a marriage relationship.  Continuing to teach them through example what it looks like to make time for each other, to find ways to grow in our friendship (even after almost 19 years), and to never stop carving out space to play.

He's right.  And I love him for this.

To My Girls -- When I'm away from you, you are still with me.  I hear your squeals of excitement in opening the door to a hotel room.  I see your little bodies testing out the water and getting braver as you venture into the waves, while you older ones can't get your tanning oil on fast enough!:)  I know how much you would love the sand and get a kick out of the palm trees.  Know that my heart longs to experience a place like this with you someday!
     However, I also want you to know how important it is for Daddy and I to have this time together.  In order to love someone well, you must make time for that person.  You must make that person a priority.  Life can and will be hard.  Having someone to do life with is a gift.  My prayer is that the Father will bless each of you with a husband who loves you deeply and runs hard after Jesus.  When the time comes, know that you will never regret investing in this relationship.  Remember that communication is worth the vulnerability it sometimes requires.  Never forget that laughter draws you together.  And always cherish seeking the Father together.   
     

To My Girls

This morning as I took a bath, my mind wandered to my girls.  It's not rare for this to happen.  Life seems to be passing at a frantic speed, and sometimes I just like to sit, and soak, and try to stop time even if just for a minute.

I try to remember what it was like when each of them was born.  I think about those years of sleepless nights...and by years I mean like 10.  My babies were not sleepers.

 I wonder how I survived that period of time when it felt as though I was never alone...not even when I was sleeping or peeing.  There always seemed to be a little one right there.

But these little ones grow.  It happens so fast.  And sometimes that's nice and sometimes that's sad.  But it happens nevertheless.

My girls are the reason I've started blogging.  I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been challenged by Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.  This idea of living a good story continues to inspire me.

Blogging is one of the ways I hope to share parts of my story and our family's story with our girls. Something they can return to.  Something to help them remember.

When I think about being a mom, I think of all the things I want my girls to know, words of advice and encouragement that I want to speak to them, truths that I want them to grasp...and then I become paralyzed by how overwhelming these thoughts can be.

Will I say enough?  Will I say too much?  Will I say the right thing...at the right time?  Will my actions result in their need for intense therapy in the coming future? (my own mother assures me that we must all accept that this will most likely happen)

This is when I have to stop myself and take a few deep breaths.  Here is where I remind myself that God knew what He was doing when he placed these four girls into our family...even if I don't always know what I'm doing.  I must continue to learn to walk that fine line between doing my best (knowing some days my best rocks and some days my best kind of sucks) and surrendering, giving my girls back to the Father.

So today I'm choosing to not give in to paralysis, today these are the words I want my girls to hear...

To My Girls -- 
My prayer is that your hearts will be captured by Jesus.  Know that He loves you deeply and created you uniquely for a specific purpose.  Be the best you, because no one else can be a better you.

Love well.  Be kind and generous.  Always look out for those on the fringe.  Living the Way of Jesus is not easy, it's messy and hard and confusing...but oddly enough it's where you will find true life!

Remember that as sisters you always have each others' backs.  Friends will come and go, sisters are for life!

Know your heart and have the courage to go after the things you're passionate about.  Be confident enough in who God created you to be, that you can be a cheerleader and an encourager to others around you.

Laugh.  Laugh at yourself, laugh with others, laugh out loud, laugh until you cry.  Laughter is a gift, treasure it!

And when you're not laughing, remember that tears can heal and refresh and bring you closer to the One who loves you most.

I love you girls!  When I look at you, I see God at work.  You are a part of an amazing story.  As you seek the Author in all you do, I have no doubt you will live your chapters well!

Love,
Mom

Getting Back In the Game

I love being a part of a team...I've always loved being a part of a team.  Playing ball through college, my teams were what shaped me and formed me outside of my family.

Seven years ago, when Vaughn and I left our families and moved to Colorado, we became our own kind of team.  For 6 years we worked together as we explored what it means to live missionally, to love our neighbors, to make loving Jesus a lifestyle.

This was the day we left Kansas

Together we led kids club out of our home every week.  Together we planted The Micah Project, our missional community that Vaughn pastors.  Together we grilled hotdogs in the park and set up neighborhood movies on the lawn.

Late mornings often found us in the kitchen, I cleaning up after the breakfast rush and Vaughn stopping in after having already spent time at the coffee shop studying and reading.  We would wrestle with what it means to live faithfully.  We would process what it looks like to measure differently.  And sometimes we would just kind of stare at each other, shake our heads and ask ourselves, "What are we doing?"

But our hearts had been captured by something and it wasn't going away.

This fall, Vaughn went bi-vocational and he took a teaching job at a public school in Denver.  The opportunity for him to minister to a demographic of people that we've had a heart for was presented and we believed it was the right next step for "us".

I use the term "us" loosely.  As much as I knew God's hand was at work in this, I did not realize what it would mean for this team.

Overnight, I found myself at home alone.  My teammate was gone each day carrying out a part of our vision that we had spent so much time talking about together.  He was being stretched beyond anything we could imagine.  He was processing a whole new set of issues.  He was participating in what felt like a whole other world.  And God was doing a new work in him through it all.

God was also doing a work in me.  As I faced hours and days alone, I was forced to work through some of my own "stuff".  It felt lonely and hard, but the work required our separation.

As I sat with the Lord on one occasion, I sensed Him calling me to re-engage in my neighborhood.  Due to Vaughn's schedule, we had taken a break with kids club and were essentially in a season of hanging on for dear life.  I started to daydream about what it might look like to join Vaughn in that new world of his.

As I did this, the Lord spoke two very clear things to me.  First, He assured me that He had a plan and that for the time being we would just have to trust Him in this.  I've heard these words before, and I've gotten better at accepting them.

The second thing He spoke to me was a little harder.  I heard the Lord say in an almost audible voice, "No matter what the future brings, you must live out this way of life in the present."

I knew it to be true.  I had no argument against it.  But this time around I found myself a bit more fearful than in the beginning.

Fearful, because I already knew what the next step was.  It was a step that had been laid on our hearts months ago.  It was a step that we felt was right.  But it was a step that required us to make an invite, and I found myself panicked that I would be responsible for doing this on my own.

Often times when we've invited our neighbors into something, we hand out invitations at the kids' bus stop.  Our neighborhood is full of kids and the bus comes each morning two houses down from ours.  It's the perfect place to "get the word out".

But for some reason, this time around, I began to feel some anxiety about doing this.  I knew parents would be out there in the morning.  I knew it would be a great time to interact with them.  So, where was this anxiousness coming from?

I quickly realized that it was coming from being out of practice.  My team had become a bit dismantled and instead of keeping up my own skills, I essentially walked away from the game for awhile.

It was time to "get my head in the game" (Ha! I use that phrase only because I have daughters who will break out into song when they read it:) ).  It was time to re-engage.

I should say here that I tend to be a bit of a "tell me what to do and I'll do it" person.  I'm slowly learning that this is not always the most healthiest of ways.  However, as I thought about handing these invitations out by myself, I was hearing the speech that went, "Really? What's wrong with you? Isn't this something you believe in?  Then you just need to do it! Since when have you let fear control you?"

Needless to say the steps I was being asked to take were no doubt from the Lord, the speech however was not.

I could dive into what I thought the source of my fear was.  I could debate whether or not I should have or should not have felt this way.  I could analyze what this says about me and even try to defend myself.  I'm not going to.  Just know that in the end I was dreading walking out to that bus stop by myself.

It's funny how often I forget that my Jesus knows me better than I know myself.  And it's sad how often I forget just how loving and gracious He is.  Last Friday my husband told me that his Tuesday meeting had been cancelled, and this meant he actually had the day off.  Tuesday was the day I was planning on handing out invitations.  I had not spoken a word to anyone about what I was feeling...but then I didn't have to say it for the Father to know it.

Sometimes we're asked to walk through things that scare us or stretch us.  Sometimes, though, we're given the opportunity to feel as though we're being romanced by the One who knows and loves us the most.  As I walked to the bus stop today with my most treasured teammate, I was still anxious.  But I was also reminded of how much more brave I feel when we're together.

I don't think this surprises God at all.  As a matter of fact, I think he wires us to be our best when we're being together.

So, the invites are out.  This momma is taking steps to re-engage.  God continues to challenge us and lead us.  If you think of it, say a prayer for us.  We've learned it's about being obedient and faithful, but our hearts always hope and pray for others to be drawn to Him in the process.  After Thursday, I'll let you know how it went.

I'd follow this guy to the ends of the earth!

To My Girls -- Oh girls, know that there will be seasons.  Seasons that are exciting, seasons that are scary and many seasons in between.  May you always remember that Jesus knows you and loves you. He knows your heart and He longs to walk alongside you no matter what season you are in.  Always keep your eyes open to the ways God is at work in you and around you!