A Day In The Snow (Ok, really only 45 minutes)

Monday was President's Day.  The girls did not have school.  The two youngest decided they wanted to go out and play in the snow.

15 years into parenting and I'm still learning to embrace these moments instead of listening to the voice in my head that is whining about the piles of wet clothes that come as a result of such activities.

Five minutes before they went out I heard another voice...one that said, "Go out with them, they would love it!" (I'm learning to listen to this voice more and more)

 (Do you see that camper in the background? It belongs to our neighbors, but I stare at it longingly on a regular basis)

As I started to get dressed, the girls were in shock. (This momma does not love the cold or the snow...give me a beach and I'll play with you ALL DAY LONG!)

It really was a beautiful day, though.  The snow was perfect for snowballs.

We had just gotten started when my 15 year old stuck her head out the door and asked if she could join us.  Be still oh my heart...

We were outside for only about 45 minutes.  Vaughn surprised us by joining us half way through (he's usually the one to do this, but I told him I would go out this time).  We were missing one.  Kyan was sledding with some friends.

I've blogged about it before...trying to be present, learning to embrace the moment, not forgetting that I still have littles, along with bigs.  Those 45 minutes were worth every piece of wet clothing currently laying in my garage. 

And now, I will continue my countdown to summer. (please do not leave a comment reminding me that summer is a number of snowfalls away...I'm well aware of this!)

To My Girls -- Thanks for always acting excited when mom joins in to play.  I cherish every one of these moments with each of you!

Dinner with Brien

Last night we had our friend Brien over for dinner.  And I use the term "friend" loosely.  I don't know that Brien would call me his friend.  I do know that there have been times that my feelings towards him have not been "friendly".  To be honest, I don't fully know what it looks like to really be a friend to this man.

Some things you should know about Brien: He is a health nut. He prefers organic if possible.  He will eat a big salad at anytime of day if offered to him (including breakfast).  Brien currently has an obsession with doing as many push ups in a day that he can.  He likes to cook when given the opportunity.  If you want to dive into conversation with Brien, ask him what the hottest pepper is.

Brien is also homeless.

Brien came into our lives about 4 years ago.  He is our most faithful attender on Sunday mornings as we gather in our home with our missional community.  He's admitted that he's not super interested in God or Jesus, but he loves a good meal, and is always looking for company.  Brien doesn't like to be alone.

The temptation is to make some kind of statement about loving and serving the poor and needy, and ending this blog post here.  It would definitely create a picture that supports our vision of living missionally.  To be honest, I could add a number of details and stories of how we've opened up our home to Brien, given him a place to sleep, a warm shower on a regular basis, a place to wash his clothes, and essentially present a pretty romantic picture of living the way of Jesus.

But today is not that day.  I've learned that what can be presented as romantic, is very often far more messy than we'd like to admit...like roll in a wet muddy pasture of cow manure, messy.  How could we have known that when our hearts became captured with all that Jesus was calling us to, it would not feel like what we thought? (ok, what I thought)

I'm just going to be honest with you, Brien drives me all sorts of crazy!  He has a real issue with boundaries.  He's ungrateful.  He is extremely difficult to get along with, and He is selfish.  None of this is new news to him, I've been very honest with him about my feelings. (notice the romance fading)  However, being in relationship with Brien has taught me more about myself and about loving Jesus than anything else in my life.

One Sunday morning, as I was looking across the room seeing Brien sitting there, the Lord whispered in my ear, "What if that is me, sitting here in your living room?"...

My heart sank.  I had not been a gracious host towards this man.  I talked at him and rarely listened, sometimes I even ignored him.  I made it my primary role/goal to "teach" him, instead of love him.  As I heard this voice in my ear, my response was remorse, frustration, and sadness.

Sitting there, I began to picture washing Brien's feet.

Let me tell you right now that I immediately knew this was not something that would ever happen.  I knew it would make Brien incredibly uncomfortable.  Not to mention that fact that it would just be plain weird to go over and ask him if I could wash his feet.  I'm fairly certain the symbolism would have gotten lost in the translation.

But I could not get this picture out of my mind.  For weeks I would have conversations with the Lord that sounded something like this, "Lord, I would do this as an act of obedience to you.  I want to do this.  I think it would be good for me to do this.  But it's NEVER going to happen!  So, know that I hear you and I would if I could, but maybe just knowing my heart is good enough here, yes?" (Ok, so when I said conversation I really meant I was doing the talking)

The Lord did not respond.

That is until one Sunday morning when Brien pulled me aside and said he had a question for me.  He had just been released from the hospital after battling a serious infection in his hand.  As he stood there with his hand still wrapped in gauze, he asked me, "Would you consider giving me a pedicure?"

I'm just going to cut to the chase right here and tell you that the minute the words came out of Brien's mouth, I knew what was happening.  I didn't even have time to be shocked.  The Lord was giving me access to Brien's feet.

Again, on paper this is such a beautiful story.  However as my friend Jaimie and I tackled this "pedicure" (picture the scene from Dumb and Dumber and you'll know what were dealing with) beauty was not at the forethought of my mind. As a matter of fact, once we began there was an intense battle raging between my brain and my gag reflex.

I'm going to be honest when I say that I had really anticipated this whole thing to feel like a deep spiritual experience.  I wanted it to feel like a deep spiritual experience.  Instead, it was all I could do to focus my brain on feeling nothing for fear of what the alternative might look like.

I walked away from that day confused.  Really? Was that it?  All those weeks were leading up to that?  Were you even there, Jesus?  I didn't feel you there. (Because this is all about me, right? Ugh!)

Needless to say, I was smack in the middle of a lesson in obedience and I was once again reacting like a selfish child.

Matthew 25:40 says, "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'  

My first response to this is YES!  I will do it for the least of these, because I want nothing more than to do it for you, Jesus.  I will go out and serve and love in your name!  There is nothing I want more than to do this!

It sounds beautiful doesn't it?  We know it's right don't we?  Then why the heck doesn't it feel the way I thought it would?  No one has ever recommended a book to me that talks about what it's like to live missionally and feel like no one is really interested.  There are a lot of days that that's how I feel.  And I wanted it to feel different.


As I look back over the last four years of our lives, I realize that selfishly I wanted to feel needed.  I wanted to feel like I was really doing something amazing for the Kingdom.  I wanted to be that person that you read about in books, living radically and changing lives.

And I wanted it to feel good, to feel satisfying and rewarding.  I did not envision sliding around in the muck and messiness of living this way.  There is no manual that walks you through the tension between generosity and enabling, between graciousness and boundaries, between knowing the right thing to do and not wanting to do it.

Ultimately, I know it's not about feelings.  But I'm such a feeling kind of person, so this is hard for me.  I'm learning it's about obedience and faithfulness, despite what I may or may not be feeling.

Last night I felt ready to love and serve and bless but by the time Brien left I was feeling frustrated, angry and confused.  There's still work to be done in this heart of mine.

Ezra Taft Benson is quoted as saying, "The great test of life is obedience to God." If that's the case, I've got a lot of studying to do.

To My Girls -- Girls, you have walked this road with us.  You have seen us at our best and at our worst when it comes to situations like this.  My prayer is that you would ultimately remember that Daddy and my hearts' desire was and is to walk this Way of Jesus always as best we can.  May your hearts be captured with the same way of living.  You will make mistakes and it's rarely easy.  Do not be discouraged by the wrestling it brings about.  There is nothing worth pursuing more!

The No-Screen Challenge

Confession...I don't feel like a very creative mom.

It's just not one of my strengths.  Growing up, I remember my sister always getting out the craft supplies and "creating".  I never had the desire to join her.

I really just wanted to play pretend.  And some might say that is it's own creative, but really I just wanted to be in relationship in whatever way I could (even if it was a make believe relationship).

Once I became a mom, nothing changed really.  From day one I dreamt about my babies growing up and being old enough to interact with me, to have conversations and be in relationship with me.  I pictured us experiencing life together, but rarely did I picture us being creative together.

So, you can only imagine the tick I immediately developed when my 7 year old came home from school talking nonstop about a 4 day no-screen challenge.

Now, before you judge, let me reassure you that I am not the type of mom that gives my children limitless access to screens.  My children read daily.  We eat dinner together as a family with a no-screens policy.  My youngest two often disappear for long periods of time, getting caught up in creating their own stories through role play and pretend.

Just the other day the two of them created this little piece of something or other by finger knitting.  What is finger knitting you might say?  I have no idea!  It's something they learned at school.  You can see the end product below.  Looks pretty cool, right?

What do I do with this?  I have no doubt there are mothers out there that could take this and turn it into something quirky and whimsical...and if I saw it I would think "I love that, I want that in my home!"

Right now this is sitting in my trash can.  I could only take it laying around my house for so many days!

Ok, back to what I was saying...why the tick, you ask?  Why the sinking feeling in my stomach that these might be the longest 4 days of my life? (Oh I hadn't shared the sinking feeling part with you?)

To be honest, I don't really know.  Maybe it's because there are certain times of day when screens seem kind of helpful to me.  Those times when I just need everyone to be occupied while I have an uninterrupted conversation with Vaughn.   Those times when I'm making supper, fielding homework questions, and answering my phone all at the same time.  If during those times one of my little ones is quietly on a computer somewhere, I'm not complaining.

And as long as we're talking about this, I kind of like our morning routine which includes the littles waking up and coming downstairs as I finish up on the treadmill.  Is the TV on? Yes...but is it ok to feel like we kind of bond during this time as we catch up on The Biggest Loser, or Project Runway?

I'll admit my reaction was primarily selfish.  In and of itself the fact that my daughter wanted to take this no-screen challenge made me proud.  I loved the thought of her stimulating her brain in more creative ways.  I just dreaded the possibility of it meaning that I might be hearing the phrase, "What can I do?" every other minute for the next four days.

When I hear that question, something happens inside me.  I feel as though I should be able to make suggestions or provide the materials for my children to create, to craft, to find their inner artist.  But the only words that consistently come out of my mouth are, "You could color."  Due to this being my go to, I'm pretty sure I burnt my kids out on coloring by age 3!

But the day arrived and the challenge was accepted.  As the first afternoon was upon us, Aleah began thinking about things she could do.  At that moment something of the Holy Spirit nature came over me and out of my mouth came the words, "You could write a story."

I don't know why I said it...probably because the only materials it required was paper and pencil, and I knew we had those things.  Must I remind you that creativity is not my strong suit!

It doesn't really matter, though, because she agreed and immediately set herself up to start writing.

Half an hour later, she presented me with a story about our camping trip we took this summer.  A story that involved me wading into freezing cold water, doing everything I could to free up a lily pad that had the most beautiful flower on top of it.  A flower that had caught Aleah's eye.  A flower she felt she could not live without.  I had almost forgotten about this.

The next morning I was on my treadmill.  Like usual, Aleah came wondering down, sleepy eyed having just woken up.  The TV was on and she immediately went into the office to practice piano.  By the time she was done I still had 20 minutes to go and I really did not want to have to turn the TV off.  (It's all I can do to keep my mind off of what I'm doing on the treadmill)

I immediately got distracted by what I was watching (which is the whole point), but after 5 or so minutes I looked over and realized that Aleah was alphabetizing all of our DVDs by title.  She had them lined up across the floor and was working her way through the G's. 

By this time, the educator in me was being revived.  As we talked about what to do when the first two letters of two different titles were the same, I found myself smiling.  Few things compare to watching your child grasp a concept.

That's when the realization hit me.  I'm living in two different worlds.  I have two teenagers in the house.  In a previous blog I mentioned what this looks like, having to take a step back, having to simply be available when needed, learning to let them begin to step out on their own at times.  In this scenario, you can get lulled into thinking everyone is doing well because everyone can take care of themselves.

But I still have two kiddos in elementary school too.  And this is not the case for them.  They are at a very different stage, a stage that requires me to remember what it was like when my first two were this age.  A stage that involves, whether I like it or not, a bit more creative thinking.

I know it's not my strength, but I'm slowly remembering that there were days with my oldest two when I pressed in and channeled the spirits of all things creative.  I'm fairly certain we may even have some home video footage documenting such days, which may or may not include someone wearing a beak and someone wearing an eye patch holding a large knife. (I told you my creativity was questionable) I never regretted those days.

All that to say, my eye has recovered and the tick is gone.  We have one more day to go in the challenge, and I couldn't be more proud of myself, I mean Aleah.  Sometimes on this journey we need wake up calls, or reminders, or just a small kick in the tush to help make us our best.  The no-screen challenge did that for me and I'm eternally grateful!

My two youngest

To My Girls -- I am always in awe when I see you expressing yourselves creatively.  My prayer is that you will find ways to access this part of you, with and without my help!:)  Thank you for challenging me to be a better mom in this area.