Dinner with Brien

Last night we had our friend Brien over for dinner.  And I use the term "friend" loosely.  I don't know that Brien would call me his friend.  I do know that there have been times that my feelings towards him have not been "friendly".  To be honest, I don't fully know what it looks like to really be a friend to this man.

Some things you should know about Brien: He is a health nut. He prefers organic if possible.  He will eat a big salad at anytime of day if offered to him (including breakfast).  Brien currently has an obsession with doing as many push ups in a day that he can.  He likes to cook when given the opportunity.  If you want to dive into conversation with Brien, ask him what the hottest pepper is.

Brien is also homeless.

Brien came into our lives about 4 years ago.  He is our most faithful attender on Sunday mornings as we gather in our home with our missional community.  He's admitted that he's not super interested in God or Jesus, but he loves a good meal, and is always looking for company.  Brien doesn't like to be alone.

The temptation is to make some kind of statement about loving and serving the poor and needy, and ending this blog post here.  It would definitely create a picture that supports our vision of living missionally.  To be honest, I could add a number of details and stories of how we've opened up our home to Brien, given him a place to sleep, a warm shower on a regular basis, a place to wash his clothes, and essentially present a pretty romantic picture of living the way of Jesus.

But today is not that day.  I've learned that what can be presented as romantic, is very often far more messy than we'd like to admit...like roll in a wet muddy pasture of cow manure, messy.  How could we have known that when our hearts became captured with all that Jesus was calling us to, it would not feel like what we thought? (ok, what I thought)

I'm just going to be honest with you, Brien drives me all sorts of crazy!  He has a real issue with boundaries.  He's ungrateful.  He is extremely difficult to get along with, and He is selfish.  None of this is new news to him, I've been very honest with him about my feelings. (notice the romance fading)  However, being in relationship with Brien has taught me more about myself and about loving Jesus than anything else in my life.

One Sunday morning, as I was looking across the room seeing Brien sitting there, the Lord whispered in my ear, "What if that is me, sitting here in your living room?"...

My heart sank.  I had not been a gracious host towards this man.  I talked at him and rarely listened, sometimes I even ignored him.  I made it my primary role/goal to "teach" him, instead of love him.  As I heard this voice in my ear, my response was remorse, frustration, and sadness.

Sitting there, I began to picture washing Brien's feet.

Let me tell you right now that I immediately knew this was not something that would ever happen.  I knew it would make Brien incredibly uncomfortable.  Not to mention that fact that it would just be plain weird to go over and ask him if I could wash his feet.  I'm fairly certain the symbolism would have gotten lost in the translation.

But I could not get this picture out of my mind.  For weeks I would have conversations with the Lord that sounded something like this, "Lord, I would do this as an act of obedience to you.  I want to do this.  I think it would be good for me to do this.  But it's NEVER going to happen!  So, know that I hear you and I would if I could, but maybe just knowing my heart is good enough here, yes?" (Ok, so when I said conversation I really meant I was doing the talking)

The Lord did not respond.

That is until one Sunday morning when Brien pulled me aside and said he had a question for me.  He had just been released from the hospital after battling a serious infection in his hand.  As he stood there with his hand still wrapped in gauze, he asked me, "Would you consider giving me a pedicure?"

I'm just going to cut to the chase right here and tell you that the minute the words came out of Brien's mouth, I knew what was happening.  I didn't even have time to be shocked.  The Lord was giving me access to Brien's feet.

Again, on paper this is such a beautiful story.  However as my friend Jaimie and I tackled this "pedicure" (picture the scene from Dumb and Dumber and you'll know what were dealing with) beauty was not at the forethought of my mind. As a matter of fact, once we began there was an intense battle raging between my brain and my gag reflex.

I'm going to be honest when I say that I had really anticipated this whole thing to feel like a deep spiritual experience.  I wanted it to feel like a deep spiritual experience.  Instead, it was all I could do to focus my brain on feeling nothing for fear of what the alternative might look like.

I walked away from that day confused.  Really? Was that it?  All those weeks were leading up to that?  Were you even there, Jesus?  I didn't feel you there. (Because this is all about me, right? Ugh!)

Needless to say, I was smack in the middle of a lesson in obedience and I was once again reacting like a selfish child.

Matthew 25:40 says, "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'  

My first response to this is YES!  I will do it for the least of these, because I want nothing more than to do it for you, Jesus.  I will go out and serve and love in your name!  There is nothing I want more than to do this!

It sounds beautiful doesn't it?  We know it's right don't we?  Then why the heck doesn't it feel the way I thought it would?  No one has ever recommended a book to me that talks about what it's like to live missionally and feel like no one is really interested.  There are a lot of days that that's how I feel.  And I wanted it to feel different.


As I look back over the last four years of our lives, I realize that selfishly I wanted to feel needed.  I wanted to feel like I was really doing something amazing for the Kingdom.  I wanted to be that person that you read about in books, living radically and changing lives.

And I wanted it to feel good, to feel satisfying and rewarding.  I did not envision sliding around in the muck and messiness of living this way.  There is no manual that walks you through the tension between generosity and enabling, between graciousness and boundaries, between knowing the right thing to do and not wanting to do it.

Ultimately, I know it's not about feelings.  But I'm such a feeling kind of person, so this is hard for me.  I'm learning it's about obedience and faithfulness, despite what I may or may not be feeling.

Last night I felt ready to love and serve and bless but by the time Brien left I was feeling frustrated, angry and confused.  There's still work to be done in this heart of mine.

Ezra Taft Benson is quoted as saying, "The great test of life is obedience to God." If that's the case, I've got a lot of studying to do.

To My Girls -- Girls, you have walked this road with us.  You have seen us at our best and at our worst when it comes to situations like this.  My prayer is that you would ultimately remember that Daddy and my hearts' desire was and is to walk this Way of Jesus always as best we can.  May your hearts be captured with the same way of living.  You will make mistakes and it's rarely easy.  Do not be discouraged by the wrestling it brings about.  There is nothing worth pursuing more!