Conversations...(Part 3)

I like to think of myself as a fun person.  I love to laugh.  I love to be crazy.  I love having a good time.  However, when I picture myself in this way, I immediately see myself with my husband, with my sister or with my close friends.

I'm sad to say that I don't necessarily see myself like this with my girls.  Don't get me wrong...we joke around and laugh plenty together.  But when I picture myself with them, most often I see myself in "teacher" mode.  I'm always trying to take hold of a teachable moment and use it for all its worth.  If a teachable moment were a wet rag, I'd wring that baby bone dry. 

I just want for my girls.  I want them to grasp the value of being kind and gracious.  I want them to learn to be responsible and aware.  I long for them to think ahead and make wise choices.  To be honest,  I'd love nothing more than to be able to impart to them all I've learned in my 39 years, keeping them from having to experience the pain, the hurt and the disappointment that comes from not knowing these things.  If they listened to me, and fully grasped what I was saying in these moments they could be so far ahead of the game!

But I know life doesn't work that way.  I know so much of what we know ourselves, must be learned through experience, trial and error and personal choices.  So as a parent I'm put in this position that gives me the freedom and authority to speak truth into my girls, but also requires me to let go of trying to control each situation in order to make it as impactful as I think it should be.

Now, before you write me off as a completely neurotic mom with serious control issues...please read on (because you may be right, but I am learning!)

Finding ways to play with my girls is something that the Father has been challenging me with lately.  I know the value of play.  I have experienced the benefits of play.  Play is something I want to do more with my girls.

Play allows my girls to see me in a different light.  It allows us to bond differently than a "parent moment" might.  It speaks love to my girls without using words.  It brings joy.

Even as I write these words, I'm asking myself why aren't we playing more?  Why is it so easy for this mom role to suck me into acting so serious all the time?  Why do I assume I should be the one watching instead of joining in?

I know there are days when I'm just tired and weary from being the mom that I forget to let loose sometimes.  There are days when my interactions with the girls feel incredibly intentional, or challenging and I just want to sit back, let them play, and breathe in the space.  I think that's ok.

But somewhere in the in between, I lose that part of myself that loves to be crazy, that loves to laugh, and is desiring more joy.  I know the Father created me to be full of energy and life with a laugh that can be heard across the room.  I want my girls to know this part of me as much as any other part.

This summer has given us the opportunity to play together.  The down time, the flexible schedule, the summer weather, it calls me to play.

I also know I don't want to have to rely on the stars perfectly aligning in order to engage my kids in this way.  I want to find ways to make play happen.  I want to be aware of those times when I'm just watching, and choose to jump in more often.  I am committed to listening more closely to the Father's whispers as He cues me in to those moments when I need to let go and simply become a part of what is happening around me.

As the school year approaches, I know it could be a challenge.  Once we get into the "routine" days get filled up, energy is spent keeping everyone on task, bedtime comes quick and so does the morning.  But I refuse to forget what I am learning. 

I will choose to play, I will choose to let loose, I will choose to laugh, I will choose joy!

To My Girls -- My hope is that you will not just remember the "life lessons" I have taught you, but that you will also remember just being together, playing together, laughing together.  I love watching you do all of these things, but would be sad to think about missing out just because I chose not to join in. Thank you for inviting me into your play.  Thanks for making me feel loved by your squeals of delight when I do join in.  And most of all, thanks for your patience as this momma learns and grows right along with you!

Conversations... (Part 2)

I love a good plan.  I'm not exceptionally organized, or obsessively clean.  I feel like I have the ability to be fairly flexible.  But overall, I love a good plan.  I love the feeling of being prepared.  I will make lists in advance in order to avoid feeling stressed.

Really what it all boils down to is the fact that even more than loving a good plan, I like to be in control.  And feeling like I have a good plan, and am prepared for anything, makes me feel like I'm in control.

Being a Momma has taught me the value of being prepared, but it has also exposed my need for control.  Being a Surrendered Momma involves me continually being reminded that control is not what I need to be seeking.  Instead, my efforts are better spent finding ways to channel my energies into trusting the One who ultimately is in control.  Easier said than done!

For the last several months, Vaughn and I have been processing life, ministry, family, and relationships.  As our conversations are filled with "what if's", and "what is", as we express our hopes and fears, I immediately find myself working out a plan.

I should probably mention here, before I go on, that I'm a pretty good planner.  Just to give you an idea, I've been planning my own 40th birthday celebration for a year now.  It involves hosting my entire family (32 people to be exact) for an extended weekend in my home...but that's another blog post entirely.

So, when there are decisions to be made, choices to consider, and schedules to follow, a good plan seems necessary.  Considering the fact that life always seems to require decisions, choices and schedules, coming up with a plan often consumes my time.  No problem!

Except it is.

At least it's becoming a problem for me.  Because in my need for a plan, in my desire for a sense of control, I'm missing out on so much.

The other day as I walked along this path while we were in the mountains, I found myself looking down, choosing my steps carefully. 

And that's when I heard the Father say, "Look up..."  As I did, this is what I saw...

My heart stopped...my breath caught in my throat...immediately I felt emotional, why was I looking down, when I could've been looking at this?

The symbolism was not lost on me.

At that moment, I realized what the Father was saying to me.  In my effort to develop plans, and to pull of plans, I was missing out.

As I stared in awe at the work of our Creator, I was reminded of the fact that no matter how good of a planner I am, I serve the One who is the master planner.  In that, I have a choice.  I can either wrestle it out with the One I serve, trying my hardest to prove that I know better.  Or, I can simply look up and in doing so surrender my own plans in order to open myself up for the ultimate plan.

It sounds beautiful, doesn't it?

Ha!  Anyone knows surrendering and giving up any sense of control feels like a lot of things...beautiful is not one of them!  And it's not a lesson I'm learning quickly.  I feel like I've been around this bend a time or two...or a thousand.

But as hard as it is, there is always a physical response that I have to the truth of surrendering.  It's a relief, it's a deep sigh, a lowering of the shoulders, as I find hope once again in believing that I don't have to know.  I don't have to plan.  I don't have to control.

In surrendering, I also get to bear witness to the work of our Creator.

As much as I love planning, I hate missing out on something.  I'm learning that life is happening all around me, but I'm often missing it because I'm too busy trying to plan out our life.  Crazy, I know!

When a plan needs to be made, and that become priority, it's scary how quickly I can ignore, put off, get crabby, and assume that if everyone else had a brain, they would be helping with the plan as well!

I know you're all sad you don't live with me.

Lately, though, I've become aware of what I'm missing out on...being present, hearing my girls, asking good questions, relaxing enough to laugh and be silly.

Really, I'm missing out on joy.

This summer I've felt a lack of joy, and I'm fairly certain it comes as a result of grasping for some sense of control.  In an effort to attain the control I desire, I have found myself continually trying to create a master plan.  A plan that allows our family to function smoothly, a plan that gives us the opportunity to minister to others, a plan that builds relationships and keeps them.

I am always looking for the plan that gives me a sense of security, one that reassures me that I'm being the parent I need to be, the wife I need to be, the friend I want to be, the Jesus follower I'm called to be.

But this life doesn't work that way.  And on my good days I'm able to remind myself that this type of plan doesn't exist.

This is where I'm at right now.  I'm currently dying for a plan to make things feel less crazy.  I'm longing for a plan to give me a sense of control and security.  I'd even take a plan that just made sure I knew what we were having for dinner each evening (ok, that one I could probably work on).

However, today I'm choosing to surrender these longings.  I'm tired of missing out.  I'm sick of feeling anxious.  I want joy.  I'm ready to give the planning back to the One who is sovereign. 

It's funny how much easier it is to trust when I'm at the end of myself, when I no longer feel able to be the ultimate planner, when I'm desperate for hope and help.  It's sad that it takes all this to get me to this place.  I don't think the Father cares, though.  I'm fairly certain He's not surprised by it either.

Ultimately, I hear him saying the same thing to me, "I also don't want you to miss out.  Trust Me, surrender, and keep looking up.  You won't want to miss all that I've got planned."

To My Girls -- Remember that this life is about the journey.  Take the scenic route and keep your eyes up, always looking to the One who is in control.  Make the choice to surrender and trust.  Your heavenly Father is good.  He loves you and He has a plan for you.  Rest in knowing that you don't have to know it all, be it all, do it all.  Embrace what the day holds for you, finding joy in not having to be in control.

Conversations with Jesus (Part 1)

Way back in September of last year, the Lord gave me a word..."Remain".  Meeting me in a hard season of life, the Father called me to Him, reminding me of the importance of remaining in Him (John 15:4-5).  I clung to this word and His promise as I journeyed through a dark time.

I found hope in reminding myself to remain in the vine.  I desperately needed the life that was offered to me in my remaining.

Slowly, though, over time, life got in the way.  And I went from holding on to the vine with all my might, to slowly losing my grip.  Instead of remaining, I was coming and going as I pleased.  I became distracted by the details of my days, and filled my time with mindless activity.

The end of the school year arrived.  The girls embraced summer with open arms.  We packed up Vaughn's classroom, and celebrated the completion of his first year of teaching.

My mind hardly had time to anticipate the Pastor's Retreat Vaughn and I were scheduled to attend.  But as we pulled up to our meeting place, it slowly began to sink in.  When Vaughn told the man checking us in that we would be staying for four nights, my head began to spin.  Be still oh my heart!

I was looking at four days of spiritual renewal, time with my hubby, in breathtaking surroundings.  The Father was once again wooing me to Him.

The first morning we were there, we were given Psalm 23 for our meditation exercise.  We were encouraged to go out and walk for the first 30 minutes, noticing our surroundings along with what we were thinking and feeling.

Immediately I wanted to go to the water.  I love water.  I wanted to listen to it,  put my feet in it, look at it.  There is something about water that draws me.  But on this day I felt compelled to keep walking. 

As I continued to explore the grounds we were on, I rounded a corner to find an amazing green space...with poppies!  I have fallen in love with these flowers ever since we moved to Colorado.  The space was beautiful, so I sat down and began to read Psalm 23.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures..."

I could not go on.  It was not lost on me where I was sitting.  As I felt led away from the water that day, to the green space, I knew what the Lord was doing.  He was making me lie down in green pastures.

Typically, when I feel as though someone is trying to make me do something, I want to rear up a bit.  My pride kicks in and I convince myself that I know better.  It can be a very ugly thing.

On this morning, though, I was overwhelmed by the beauty of God's love in "making me lie down...".  I recognized His hand at work in bringing me to this place.  And slowly He reminded me of the word He had given me in September.

How had I forgotten?  When had I stopped?  What was more important or life giving that would keep me from continually inviting Jesus to speak into my days, my thoughts, my circumstances?

Before we were sent out on this exercise, we were encouraged to engage this time as an open conversation with Jesus.  So, that's what I did. 

Instead of slipping into shame, instead of scolding myself for forgetting, instead of convincing myself that I had not proven myself worthy of entering into the Father's presence and therefore robbing myself of time with Him.  I simply lifted my eyes up and asked, "What happened?"

Gently Jesus met me in the conversation.  He reminded me of how much I like to be in control.  He revealed to me my lack of patience.  He spoke to me of my pride and selfishness.

All the while, though, He was loving me.  A soft breeze cooled my face and it was as if His presence was being made known.  I felt the delight He was taking in visiting with me.  I wasn't being judged, or scolded.  I was being wooed.  Because that's the Jesus I'm learning to know.  One that draws me to Him with poppies, and His word, and His patience.

One that makes me lie down, not because He is controlling, but because He knows my soul deeply needs the life He has to offer.  Because He knows me better than I know myself, and He's willing to pursue me and wait for me all at the same time.

In this green pasture, I heard His voice...

"Remain in me and I will remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  I am the vine and you are the branches.  Those who remain in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing."

To My Girls  -- There is nothing more important in this life than remaining in Christ.  May you find ways to invite Him into your daily walk, learning how to converse with Him along the way.  My prayer is that you find delight in discovering the ways you best connect with Jesus, without getting tangled up in the legalism of spiritual disciplines.  As you continually invite Jesus into the conversation, I have no doubt you will bear much fruit!