Really what it all boils down to is the fact that even more than loving a good plan, I like to be in control. And feeling like I have a good plan, and am prepared for anything, makes me feel like I'm in control.
Being a Momma has taught me the value of being prepared, but it has also exposed my need for control. Being a Surrendered Momma involves me continually being reminded that control is not what I need to be seeking. Instead, my efforts are better spent finding ways to channel my energies into trusting the One who ultimately is in control. Easier said than done!
For the last several months, Vaughn and I have been processing life, ministry, family, and relationships. As our conversations are filled with "what if's", and "what is", as we express our hopes and fears, I immediately find myself working out a plan.
I should probably mention here, before I go on, that I'm a pretty good planner. Just to give you an idea, I've been planning my own 40th birthday celebration for a year now. It involves hosting my entire family (32 people to be exact) for an extended weekend in my home...but that's another blog post entirely.
So, when there are decisions to be made, choices to consider, and schedules to follow, a good plan seems necessary. Considering the fact that life always seems to require decisions, choices and schedules, coming up with a plan often consumes my time. No problem!
Except it is.
At least it's becoming a problem for me. Because in my need for a plan, in my desire for a sense of control, I'm missing out on so much.
The other day as I walked along this path while we were in the mountains, I found myself looking down, choosing my steps carefully.
And that's when I heard the Father say, "Look up..." As I did, this is what I saw...
My heart stopped...my breath caught in my throat...immediately I felt emotional, why was I looking down, when I could've been looking at this?
The symbolism was not lost on me.
At that moment, I realized what the Father was saying to me. In my effort to develop plans, and to pull of plans, I was missing out.
As I stared in awe at the work of our Creator, I was reminded of the fact that no matter how good of a planner I am, I serve the One who is the master planner. In that, I have a choice. I can either wrestle it out with the One I serve, trying my hardest to prove that I know better. Or, I can simply look up and in doing so surrender my own plans in order to open myself up for the ultimate plan.
It sounds beautiful, doesn't it?
Ha! Anyone knows surrendering and giving up any sense of control feels like a lot of things...beautiful is not one of them! And it's not a lesson I'm learning quickly. I feel like I've been around this bend a time or two...or a thousand.
But as hard as it is, there is always a physical response that I have to the truth of surrendering. It's a relief, it's a deep sigh, a lowering of the shoulders, as I find hope once again in believing that I don't have to know. I don't have to plan. I don't have to control.
In surrendering, I also get to bear witness to the work of our Creator.
As much as I love planning, I hate missing out on something. I'm learning that life is happening all around me, but I'm often missing it because I'm too busy trying to plan out our life. Crazy, I know!
When a plan needs to be made, and that become priority, it's scary how quickly I can ignore, put off, get crabby, and assume that if everyone else had a brain, they would be helping with the plan as well!
I know you're all sad you don't live with me.
Lately, though, I've become aware of what I'm missing out on...being present, hearing my girls, asking good questions, relaxing enough to laugh and be silly.
Really, I'm missing out on joy.
This summer I've felt a lack of joy, and I'm fairly certain it comes as a result of grasping for some sense of control. In an effort to attain the control I desire, I have found myself continually trying to create a master plan. A plan that allows our family to function smoothly, a plan that gives us the opportunity to minister to others, a plan that builds relationships and keeps them.
I am always looking for the plan that gives me a sense of security, one that reassures me that I'm being the parent I need to be, the wife I need to be, the friend I want to be, the Jesus follower I'm called to be.
But this life doesn't work that way. And on my good days I'm able to remind myself that this type of plan doesn't exist.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm currently dying for a plan to make things feel less crazy. I'm longing for a plan to give me a sense of control and security. I'd even take a plan that just made sure I knew what we were having for dinner each evening (ok, that one I could probably work on).
However, today I'm choosing to surrender these longings. I'm tired of missing out. I'm sick of feeling anxious. I want joy. I'm ready to give the planning back to the One who is sovereign.
It's funny how much easier it is to trust when I'm at the end of myself, when I no longer feel able to be the ultimate planner, when I'm desperate for hope and help. It's sad that it takes all this to get me to this place. I don't think the Father cares, though. I'm fairly certain He's not surprised by it either.
Ultimately, I hear him saying the same thing to me, "I also don't want you to miss out. Trust Me, surrender, and keep looking up. You won't want to miss all that I've got planned."
To My Girls -- Remember that this life is about the journey. Take the scenic route and keep your eyes up, always looking to the One who is in control. Make the choice to surrender and trust. Your heavenly Father is good. He loves you and He has a plan for you. Rest in knowing that you don't have to know it all, be it all, do it all. Embrace what the day holds for you, finding joy in not having to be in control.
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