And yet this is what I do....literally. If I don't have a specific book in mind when I head to the library, then I can be found roaming the shelves, opening myself up to the callings of each cover design and title font. How else do you pick out a good read without knowing the content?
Unfortunately, I do this with people too. I've always been a people watcher. There have been times when Vaughn and I are out on a date and he will stop mid-sentence because he's lost me. He waits, as he realizes that I have been sucked into observing someone from across the room. When I realize he's quit talking, I apologize, and then I quickly fill him in on what I'm pretty sure is happening in the adjacent conversation. Pathetic, I know!
To people watch is one thing, to make judgement calls as a result is something entirely different. Sadly, I am guilty of both. Lately, I've had a number of opportunities to interact with groups of women I didn't really know. After giving myself the 'ole pep talk, you know the one that sounds like, "Just be yourself...Your beauty comes from the inside...People like someone who is easy to talk to and likes to laugh...yada, yada, yada." (Do we ever get over this stuff?) I dove into the groups. And low and behold, not everyone seemed as happy to meet me as I was to meet them.
Ok, maybe that's an exaggeration, since we didn't really know each other, we weren't really officially meeting, and we were just interacting in a larger group. But I was watching them, and there was something there.
I assumed the worst...and the judgements began. My thoughts may or may not have included the following, "They seem very closed off...I don't think they really like me...You know what? They don't have to like me, I don't need them as a friend...What is their problem?...I feel like they're judging me...They seem very arrogant."...and on and on it goes
Until I decide to bail, because nobody likes to feel judged! (ironic, right? It's just kind of sick...)
And here is where I experienced the whiplash of a hard lesson learned. After my time with these ladies was over, I began to hear some of their stories from others who knew them better than I. Stories that involved tragedy and loss. Stories that took my breath away and made me rethink all I had to be thankful for. Stories that were still being written with women clinging to the hope of a happier chapter ahead.
As I listened, my heart desperately desired a "do over". I wanted nothing more than to have another chance to love on these women, to serve them and bless them, to be the hands of Jesus in any way that I could for them. But our time together had passed. And I was left still worried about protecting myself, and making judgment calls instead of remembering that everyone is living their own story.
Sometimes we get to hear these stories, and when we do it connects with something in us and there is little that can stop us from pouring out. But I'm realizing that there may very well be times that I never know the story. What then? What brings me to a place of looking outside of myself? What motivates me to serve and love, all at the risk of not knowing how it will be received?
My heart knows the answer is obedience. My Jesus calls me to love, to bless and to serve. I have assumed the role of deciding who gets to experience this part of me, but that role is not mine. My role is to simply remember what it means to walk obediently before and in place of choosing to judge, and to love and serve anyone the Father brings into my story, whether I know theirs or not.
To My Girls -- My prayer is that you will always have gracious hearts, seeing the good in others, always being willing to put yourself in someone else's shoes in place of judgement. You will never regret making the effort to love generously and well.
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